i went to j's school variety show friday. late thursday night he comes in and says, "mom, you can come tomorrow. all the other moms will be there." just like that. no mention of it before and j's school is an hour away so it isn't a quick trip.

ok. we have been spending endless hours immersed in little league so i figure it is only fair that i go and see him.

when i get there, i am escorted to my seat by one of the hs students (j's school goes from grade 4-12). i see j's class come in in that odd line formation that kids trudge to assemblies in. his face lights up and he keeps telling everyone, "look! that's my mom! she came to see me!" now it isn't like i have been a terrible parent, or at least not in the "i don't go to anything" kind of way. because j's school is a special needs school, events like this are rare. they have some performances but keep the audience limited to classmates for the most part.

he comes over and hugs me and tells me that he is very nervous. he says he doesn't think he can do it and that he doesn't know what he is going to say to go with his tricks. i give him the standard mom pep talk and send him back to his seat.

but now i am nervous. j is a great kid. he is funny and creative. but he can be awkward and shy as well. and he suffers from stage fright. he has been diagnosed for years with a list of things with fancy and frightening initials and a case of depression that he inherited from me. so my stomach was tied up in knots thinking about this poor kid on stage doing magic tricks. he could do the tricks, but he had never managed any of the "spiel." you know, the "show" part of "magic show."

i watched the list as his turn got closer and closer. i questioned the teachers' sanity in letting him do this. how could they set him up like this? if he froze up he would be devestated. most of the performers were high school kids. he is only 11.

i sat through some good performances (a jazz duo that did amazing improv, a couple of accoustic guitar numbers, one girl who sang a strong version of a norah jones tune) and some frightening ones (what is with singing over a cd like it is karaoke but the vocalist is still there? what is that? are you singing? are you milli vanilli? and who told you "i will always love you" was ever a good idea?).

and then he came out. j the great with his magic assistant (the music teacher!). and he was....great. she nudged him along and he made them laugh. and he did three tricks. he was so proud he was glowing. and me? i had tears streaming down my cheeks. i was crying because i was relieved, because i was happy, because i was proud of how much it took for him to get up there and do this show.

so without further ado i give you.....j the great