password, schmassword...if any of them actually can read and write let 'em find this!
let's start with the good stuff though, 'k?
the boys had a great morning. they tore through hours of wrapping in a flash and loved every present. j was so amazed that santa brought him a laptop and i think it has been permanently attached to him since it was opened. in fact, i just had to pry it out of his little sleeping hands in his bed. lol. c was glued to his new gamecube games and his imaginext pirate ship. he passed out in present bliss at 7:00!!
which bring me to my first rant. i... santa bought the boys a gamecube game from one of those stores that puts the empty case on the shelves and then gets you the game when you purchase it. a move that i am sure helps with shoplifting, however, being that i actually paid for the friggin game, you would have thought it would have been in the damn case!!! but nooooo. it wasn't. thankfully it wasn't their main gift or even the only gamecube game, but EB games and i have a little date tomorrow and they have yet to see someone lose their temper like i can. just ask the local chamber of commerce in cape cod. lol. different story..one of these days i will treat you to that one.
ok, let's get to the funsuckers.....cause i know you can't wait
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first snag. funsucking sister in law calls this morning. we have spy-phone...err... caller id...so i never have to talk to her. hubby gets it and hangs up with an exagerrated sigh.
hubby: boys...stop playing a second i have something important to tell you.
(i am curious, since he never handles the "something important to tell you" stuff)
hubby: hey, guys, stop a second
(dull glossy eyed stares from nintendo addicted children, he goes on anyway)
hubby: your cousin, steph...
kids: who???
hubby: (ignoring kids confusion over cousin they try so hard to forget every year) she has some terrible scars on her face and feels bad about it so we can't ask her, ok?
kids: shrug (they haven't heard a word of this since spongebob is frolicking about on the screen and is much more exciting than dad trying to give a serious speech)
however, i have heard this. wtf??? so now, since she is available for holiday gathering without her parole officer. "s from the block" seems to have been jumped a few months back by someone with a razor blade. ummm, yeah. and we are all soooo close that we had no idea until christmas morning where i am supposed to keep a 6 and 9 year old from asking "ewwww. what happened to your face????" and anticipating the colorful responses.
my answers can only be one of two. either i tell them that she was out after church one sunday donating to a local charity and some evil person jumped up and attacked her for no apparent reason and scare my kids because it could happen to them at any time. or....we go with something closer to the truth. that scary crack ho cousin s got jumped either by her pimp or her dealer or yet another scary crack ho on her way to a deal or a trick and she will get them back soon and we can visit her in prison.
now i am pissed. i don't want her here. cause y'all know i wanted them here so much before that!! i stomp around all morning mumbling things like "crack ho" and "scary bitch" and "drive by knifing" all happy christmas thoughts.
hubby is brooding cause "she isn't that bad" ummm yeah. right.
i am cleaning up the debris from our morning gift rampage and getting dinner ready for the funsuckers when in pulls funsucking father in law. uh huh. unannounced. seems he has to work today and won't be joining us for the family nightmare dinner. i am still in my jammies which are a bit more see through than i would like to share with scary father in law. i dash into the bedroom to throw something on quickly yell to the kids that pop pop is here. "who??"
he stays less than 5 minutes which makes me both ecstatic and pissed that he can't be bothered. (he can't win with me...)
i get back to cleaning and cooking while family helps sits watching movies. and i keep thinking i will grab a quick shower in a few minutes. but nooooo......scary crack ho family shows up an hour early. an hour!! so looks like i stay in hastily thown on clothes from the morning and entertain them sans make-up or shower. beacuse that always makes you feel so much happier.
mother in law is right behind them and apparently barely speaking to me. yay me! all of them, evil sister in law, scary crack ho, stinky mother in law, and almost normal but still a little ho-ish neice sit in the living room while i cook. not one even comes in to keep me company or god forbid help.
i open wine. and oops forget to share. lol. it was good too.
scary crack ho apparently has an accent from brooklyn. although she grew up in the suburbs here in nj just like we did.
"i don't got no reason not to get 'nother f-ing tattoo tonight. sheeeeit. mines is tasteful motha. dontcha be tellin my ass it ain't. and me and my man is gwin to the city night to gets me a notha"
"thank you dearest crack ho. please pass the potatoes."
repeat ad nauseum.
mother in law gulped dinner while sighing and adding more and more salt. (she hates my cooking! how much f-ing salt can you add to ham!!) then retreats to a spot of funsucking royalty in the living room. i forget to worship her smelly fake fur wearing butt and she hrumphs out about an hour later off to her own home to sit with the dogs on the bed and watch tv and complain that no one ever talks to her. ummmm...buh bye!!
so that my friends, if in fact you are still there....is christmas with the funsuckers. sad to say that slick boyfriend did not show. he was sleeping off last night.
it was so nice and quiet when they left. and i managed to get through it with a couple of glasses of wine and the solitude of my kitchen.
don't have to see them again for a year. merry christmas to me!!!
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