i have been joking a lot about the hormone pills and my reluctance to go in for surgery, but the truth is i am just not doing too well. i didn't write this before mainly because i wasn't fishing for "poor you" comments. i didn't want people to feel bad. and everyone is always very kind around here. and i appreciate all the emails and good thoughts.
but i spend hours every night crying. sometimes it is out of fear of what they will find, sometimes because i just want it to stop, sometimes it is because i feel completely out of control of my own body. i have been depressed before and there is some comfort in knowing that this is mostly due to those damn pills, but some nights, it is hard to remember that.
so why write this now? am i looking for the "oh poor girl" comments now? no. i know that many people are here to help. but it is almost more stress to have to put on a front for people. and yes, i know that my family will say i don't have to, but it isn't how i am geared. and some of you should know better because you are the same way. you know how this works...i don't want to trouble anyone ;)
anyway, the point is, i am sorry if anyone is feeling the brunt of this right now. if i am short tempered or distracted i apologize. really.
i am sure that when it is all over i will be back to my charming sarcastic and snarky self.
but for now i just need to get through this.