The real reason was to see a friend who was playing in the band this morning. Their family is very, very dear to me. In addition, I've always promised that if the boys were interested, I would take them. I won't make up their minds for them. They can choose. It isn't like choosing to be a Yankee fan--that will get you banned and disowned--this, this I can almost understand. Almost.

It was much as I expected as far as the contemporary worship went. I wasn't surprised by the logistics of it all. I have to admit though that I was feeling awkward and out of my element. I couldn't relax, couldn't stop feeling like I was the square peg, couldn't stop twitching at my meditation bracelets and picking at invisible fuzz on my shirt. The boys were good. They were just a little restless but enjoyed the music. But see, here's the thing: I enjoyed the idea of the music. It was played well. I enjoyed it on that level. I loved watching my friend play. But somehow, I couldn't get past the lyrics. There was a part of me that would have liked to sing but not to worship, only because I love music. I get something out of harmonies and rhythms that as I looked around I realized that other people get out of the lyrics. It felt hypocritical to sing. In a traditional church I sing. I know the hymns and they are, well, traditional. There's something about the history, the composers, the choral structure that allows me to sing and participate without feeling that I am being hypocritical. So, while I enjoyed the talent and the music, there was no singing for me.

It was very contemporary which for me was both interesting and unsettling. I'm an atheist. I can, however, see a draw in the tradition and social aspects of religion. I can see how one might take comfort in a community of like minded people. It makes sense to me. And in that way, I can see how even a contemporary service allows for that kind of interaction. For me, stripped of tradition, I am left with only the theology and that is problematic.

The pastor was engaging and entertaining. I didn't find my mind wandering even once during the sermon. I did however, experience a near panic attack early on--my eyes darting over to the door, wondering if I could use the boys as an excuse to bolt. But the boys were on their best behavior and I would not influence them. So I took my meditation beads and one after the other passed them between anxious fingers until I had settled back down. I looked for a common thread instead of focusing on how different we were. It is difficult to find. It is difficult, but it is indeed there. The difference is not whether or not we are moral or whether or not we want to live a life that is worthwhile and meaningful. The difference comes in how we choose to focus our intent.

I tried. I tried to listen and understand but it is not who I am. It apparently is also not who my boys are either. I am sure that I have influenced them. It is inevitable. But they were respectful and curious and I was proud of them.

I am willing to admit that there are things that I will never be able to explain in this world--that there are things that no one can explain--and to me that's acceptable. It's even awe inspiring. The difference is that I don't assign that awe to a god. It isn't a flaw in my character. It is what I believe. Interestingly, my friend said that he didn't think I could be converted because I had no beliefs to convert. That isn't true. It is not a lack of belief, it is not a lack of a moral compass that makes me an atheist. I believe differently than he does, than most of my family does. I have faith in people, in the people I love, but do not need to and will not hand over the control of my life to a mythology that seems not to apply to me. I am who I choose to be. It is a mantra that I use often when meditating. I have free will. I have a choice. And I am who I choose to be. It isn't easy to take that kind of control and more often than not I fail. But I still try.

Two good things came out of this morning--at least two good things, maybe more. I got to share something that is very special with a family that I respect and love almost as much as my own family. I got to see a major part of their life and understand them a bit better. Because I don't agree doesn't mean I don't respect the kind of commitment that they have to their faith and to that community. I envy them that on some level. I respect the way that they live their faith. I would love to sit and talk with them and find the common ground. I know that it is there. The other thing is that, in some way, the service only reinforced my own beliefs. Once I felt less like a stranger and more like an observer, I was comfortable because I knew who I was. It took a very long time to get to this point in my life but it is a good place.

Am I going back? That's up to the boys. For them, I would go. For me? It was good to share that and to experience a part of something that I usually am on the outside looking in at. I know that it is not for me but knowing that allowed me to appreciate this morning in a way I could not have done not so long ago. So yes, I went to church and I didn't wear a sign that said atheist and no one tried to convert me. We just shared a little of who we are and I'm glad for that

We thought it would be nice to get our tree from there.

Here's the catch. As I drove by yesterday, eyeing up the trees and seeing which one might want to spend the season in my living room, I saw a large sign out by the road.

"Keep Christ in Christmas"

We'll skip over my rants and tirades and the fact that the tree is the least Christian symbol of the season. I have no problem whatsoever with them having that sign out. That's what they believe, whether or not I support it, not a problem. But....you knew there was a but....do I want to buy my tree there? Am I going to back up what I believe and go somewhere else? Do I ignore it because we want to support them or support their right to their beliefs but skidaddle on over to the less in your face tree stand?

I'm thinking we go elsewhere. Quietly. No nonsense, no judging, just elsewhere for our yuletide decorations.

After waiting the required amount of time expected at any municipal office, I was helped by a somewhat stereotypically grouchy receptionist who, after stamping, printing and copying the duplicate and triplicate forms, wished me a blessed day.

Hrumph.

Before I go on my little tirade, yes, I know she probably meant it kindly, and yadda, yadda, yadda, but bear with me for a bit, 'k?

Let's say for a second that the wall had been full of many versions of Buddha--laughing Buddha, sitting Buddha, etc. Or maybe, many versions of the Star of David--a glittery one, a metal one, a beaded one, one made out of macaroni and gold spray paint--would that have been ok? Would people have been ok with the Muslim symbols? Pagan symbols? No. I think it would have sent them, clutching their crosses, and running.
Am I wrong? Would you have felt uncomfortable with an over the top display of a religion that differs so greatly from yours in a municipal building?

What makes them think that I am ok with the 28 crosses? What makes that appropriate for a government building? It isn't. Pure and simple. That clearly promotes that religion. And I'm not talking subtle nuance or traditions that have been long established. I'm not talking about a simple cross or picture on a personal desk. I'm talking a full-out, crazy, cross lady--a stark, raving, mad, cross collector loose at the Trenton Water Works. I don't want to be blessed, thanks. And I sure as hell don't need my water blessed. I just need you to stop screwing up the accounts.

It is completely an inappropriate place for that kind of a personal display. Believe whatever you want to but there's no need for the decoupage deity behind the counter at the water works. And you know what? You can even wish me a blessed day if that floats your boat. I probably wouldn't have minded if it hadn't felt like I was at the Inquisition. Can atheists partake in the municipal water? Just curious.

cross posted at Ya Gotta Believe

Gah.

The overwhelming crowd of seven people--yes, seven--thinned to five as two people walked out of the theater. My guess is that they didn't know what they were going to see. I would imagine that for the rest of us in the audience, this movie was like preaching to the choir. After all, if you have ever seen Real Time you know what Maher's stance on religion is. He makes no secret of it. Actually, I found that he was less comedic, less dismissive, of religion in the film than he is on the show. I think that has a lot to do with format and with the fact that on Real Time he is performing in a manner that is closer to stand up--playing for the quick laugh. But in the film, even with the crazies, he was just asking questions.

It was odd to me how defensive even seemingly rational people get when you question their religion. It isn't disrespectful to be curious, is it? When we don't understand and ask "why?" why should that be such an inflammatory thing? Yes, for the sake of entertainment, Maher chose some of the wackiest of people out there. But religion lends itself to these people, the people who believe unquestioningly. In Maher's defense, not that he needs defending, he also spoke to some intelligent, well-spoken religious people. The Vatican scientist and senior priest were rational and willing to answer questions.

I just wonder why the simple act of saying that you're an atheist or agnostic is considered an attack on religion. Why is it that you saying you are a Christian isn't an attack but my saying I don't believe is?

Here's a quote for you: I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. - Stephen Roberts

Religious people easily dismiss polytheistic religions and mythology based. They do so without feeling guilty that they are insulting anyone or attacking anyone. Why is it attacking then when I do the same?

This movie wasn't saying that there aren't people who take comfort from religion, in fact it clearly points that out. But it was also pointing to the fact that there is no way around religion being completely based in mythology. It is. Was the movie a bit heavy-handed in places? Sure. But sometimes you need to be to make a point, to get people talking. Funny thing is that not many are willing to talk about this. That either you agree or you feel in some way attacked. It's just a point of view.

No one is forcing anyone to see this film. However, if you come to my house, after it is released on DVD you will have an opportunity to see it. Because when someone wants an explanation of what I believe or why I believe it, Maher did a good job at coming closer to that explanation than I have ever seen on the big screen. For all the religious rights' complaints that Hollywood is a place that ignores Christian values, when was the last blatantly Atheist movie you saw? (And no, Golden Compass doesn't count since they dumbed it down before release) And it isn't because people dont' agree. It's because while the number of people that disassociate themselves with organized religion continues to climb, it is still, unbelievably, socially unacceptable to discuss it. Because, obviously, being a disbeliever must be a direct attack on everyone else. Seems like being defensive out of fear to me.

Booth: "We're talkin' about the 10 commandments here, Bones. Thou shalt not commit adultery, one down from your personal favorite, thou shalt not kill."
Brennan: "Oh, so you also believe Moses wandered the desert for 40 days, climbed Mt Sinai, at which point a supernatural force carved a convenient list of behavioral guidelines on two pieces of rock?"
Booth: "Yeah, that's why they're on the Sumpreme Court..."
Brennan: "Fascinating"

And yes, I believe there is something to be said for tradition and heritage, but to prattle on about it as if it were more than that, as if everyone else were wrong because your parents told you so, is irritating and simplistic.

Sorry, grumpy today.

But I'm wondering--what if one of the contestants didn't want to sing praise, praise, praise? What then? Obviously, they couldn't say anything because if they were anti-religion, even the teensiest bit, openly, they would be next off the show. Why is that ok? Why do people have to go along? Why is it so damn scary that some of us don't believe in the superstition and craziness?

Please, Idol, no more songs in praise, 'k? I get that last week was Idol Gives Back so I will let that slide but enough is enough. It's a cheap way to get votes.

I suppressed a giggle, and a bit of pride, and said that yes, people do believe it and it's important to them so please be respectful when you see them.

If J would have said that it was a touching story, or that he wanted to learn more, I would have encouraged his curiosity. But I was relieved that he could see it for what it was...a story. A myth.

Part of me is glad that people that I know find some sort of comfort in the story. But part of me is also saddened that it seems that it is accepted blindly as a means of explaining things that cannot be explained, as a guilt ridden guide or painful moral compass. Is it that there is no moral compass without an archaic mythology meant to assuage the fears of those who didn't understand the world around them?

When children recite this unthinkingly and without question, I am saddened. I hope that there will come a day when they think for themselves instead of being lured into a handed down set of beliefs for the sake of a feeling of belonging. In any other circumstance, we would tell them not to do something, to believe something, just to fit in with a crowd. But here, it seems, that advice goes unheeded. And if, after independent and critical thought came into play, they choose to go forward and continue the myth, that's their preference. But far too often there is little thought involved. It is passed down without question and fed with social groups and peer pressure. Yes, peer pressure of the "positive" kind exists.

Traditions are comforting. And some should be passed down. But there is a difference between passing down family tradition and putting on blinders so as only to see what conveniently fits. It's a bit self-centered to think that yours is a personal god, that your god, while busy creating and maintaining all things is going to take time out to hear you because you are so very worthy and deserving. It makes little sense to believe both that god creates all and that this same personified deity takes a little time out just for you, just to hear you, reward you or even punish you.

And when Easter rolls around, I can do nothing but quietly shake my head when I think that people I know, that I deem reasonably intelligent believe this story as more than a fable, as historically accurate. As J says "Do they really buy that??"

So me? I will enjoy Spring with it's promises of new life without the invention of a story that too conveniently echoes it's non-Christian predecessors. In the immortal words of Eddie Izzard, "Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's the Spring festival."

A few quotes for tonight:

Buddha - Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

Stephen Roberts - I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.

Thomas Jefferson - The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as His father, in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter (in a letter to John Adams, 1823)

Thomas Jefferson - Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are serviley crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God, because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blind faith.

Katharine Hepburn - I'm an atheist, and that's it. I believe there's nothing we can know except that we should be kind to each other and do what we can for each other. (Ladies Home Journal, 1991)

And there, lined up in their little gold foiled wrappers were lines and lines of bunnies.

That got me thinking. I bet there are a lot of people out there who might be interested in a beautiful and yummy chocolate Flying Spaghetti Monster. Sparky can make the mold. I can make the chocolate. So the question is...would you buy one?

Leave me a comment, spread the word, let me know if you'd be interested in buying a chocolate FSM this joyous jelly bean season?

But it was worth a chuckle to me to have all the credit going to the big guy since, you know, the other team mustn't have prayed hard enough or maybe didn't give enough this year. Whatever the reason, it seems clear that someone must be playing favorites, yes?

I know it makes me cynical, I get that but I just have a hard time believing that god cares who wins the Lombardi trophy.

I know it's been quiet around here but we've enjoyed the holidays and stayed away from any of the War!On!Christmas! nonsense. We had a fun Yule party and a peaceful xmas and now we are on our way to the new year.

I posted resolutions elsewhere but I wanted to add one here. I want to do a little more, reading, a little more research. I want to work on understanding my beliefs a little better and understanding others' beliefs a little better as well.

I'll keep a list here of books that I wander through but I am just hoping to spend a little more time reading, thinking, meditating.

Happy New Year to all--even if you celebrate New Year at a different time of year.

That being said, after reading this quote from Phillip Pullman:

I would race to see the movie. Yes, that movie. It looks to be a fun movie and the kids and I are going to go and enjoy without looking for hidden agendas and subliminal messaging. I am even more likely to go now. Do you see anywhere in that quote where he says that believing in god is a bad thing. No? It must be there, right? Because the Catholic League is saying that's what he means. I see him saying that religion is bad and that would be bad for business for the Catholic League. And, as cynical as it is, non-profit or not, that's what religion seems to be for the most part these days--a business. If no one went to these giant warehouse churches how could they afford to operate? What if people simply chose to congregate in small groups and worship together without pomp or ceremony? Gasp.

The whole thing just makes me crazy. The Nativity Story was in theaters last season and I didn't protest the theater. I didn't picket outside. I didn't organize press conferences. I just chose to spend my money on other movies. That's it. And you know what? I trust that my kids could have seen that movie and come away with their own beliefs still intact having possibly have learned something about other people. Do I think that kids are going to be leaving organized religion in droves after seeing/reading the trilogy? Nope. They will still be forced to attend until they can decide on their own what they believe. Some will stay. Some will go. And it will have nothing to do with an armored polar bear.