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November 15, 2006

Wanted; A different phobia....

Does anyone know where I can get myself a fear of needles? Just about everyone I know has one, I know big hefty men who topple to the ground at the thought of their own blood being sucked from their body. The thing is when I was not too well a couple of months ago I had quite a few blood tests and I tried to be scared I really did. I even watched as the needle pierced my skin, but my heart would not so much as skip a beat. Damned thing.

Now if you have read this far and you have a fear of needles then I really don't want you to think that I am mocking you because this really isn't the case. I'm not writing this post because I think I'm all big and clever and better than you because I'm not. My fear is much more stupid and mundane than yours and the greatest problem is it can pop up at anytime and take me totally by surprise.

You see everyone, I turn a white shade of pallid and start swooning at the mention of anything to do with the digestive tract, particularly anything that might be expelled from either end. Yes indeed if my doctor was right now running towards me with The Biggest Needle in the World Ever, my eye lid would not so much as flicker. If he were to add that the side effects of what he was about to give me were vomiting and diarrhoea, you wouldn't hear the end of his sentence for the sound of the back of my head thudding on the floorboards.

An example. Yesterday afternoon I got home from work and Mr. PE had cooked a grand risotto. It had all my favourite things in it, like olives and mushrooms and there I was tucking into it pretty happily whilst watching the local news. You'd think I'd be safe watching the local news now wouldn't you? But no, on comes a piece about the Winter Vomiting Virus that has hit Bedford hospital really hard, apparently.

And suddenly I find myself feeling all nostalgic about the past. Do you remember the days when we used to get 'tummy bugs' and 'upset tummies'? Even I, with my fear admit that they sound rather cute. 'I'm a little bug that has come to visit your tummy' and 'There there little tummy are you sad?' But Winter Vomiting Virus! Ugh! Just the alliteration in there makes me shudder and then imagine it with a German accent 'Vinter ..... THUD!

Now where was I? Look East The local news. Remember my friends, that I live in East Anglia and nothing ever happens locally. Every item that is even remotely newsworthy has to be dragged out for all its worth so that the local news team have a hope in hell of filling the whole half hour. So we are shown how to wash our hands but I'm not convinced; a blob of Carex may see off the wussy Tummy Bug but I expect the Winter Vomiting Virus probably drinks Carex for breakfast with a double vodka for good measure.

And if only Look East could stop there but no, they had a news story and it was still only 6.45. How could they fill the time? Wait ... Wait ... Here it comes, drum roll please....

'So,' says the reporter. 'What are the symptoms of Winter Vomiting Virus?'

I really really wish I was making this up but alas I kid you not, he spoke those exact words. And then to taunt me the screen went red and in big white bullet points appeared across the screen; the symptoms of Winter Vomiting Virus. 1-2-3 there they were and no, I'm not going to repeat them. Work it out for yourselves.

After that the room went black, and my risotto, my lovely lovely risotto, went cold.

Posted by purple elephant at November 15, 2006 09:57 PM