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November 28, 2006

Linda Perry - James Blunt - What's Going On?

Dear Linda Perry,

I cannot even begin to describe how much I loved you once. In my teens you rocked my world, quite literally. I would wait until everybody had gone out and then I would put on that 4 Non Blondes CD and bellow along at the top of my voice. Psst don't tell anyone (Hello there Internet!) but up until a week ago there were occasions when I would still reach for your CD during my precious moments alone because 'What's Up' was still there in the top twenty of my favourite songs of all time, ever. But like I say, that was a week ago and oh, what a difference a week makes.

Now I want to talk about James Blunt. Linda, you probably already know where I'm going with this, the rest of you stay with me and all will be revealed. Until the first time I heard James Blunt, I truly believed that there was good in everyone, all you had to do was search for it. George Bush? Well he's quite cute when he pulls that monkey face and I have to stop myself from wanting to rub his head and throw him a banana. Saddam? All he had to do was grow a beard and look at me with those doe eyes and now I'm convinced that he could not have done all those bad things to those people. He's just a teddy bear really. James Blunt has destroyed my innocence because I try, oh my God do I try (someone please tell me they can see what I'm doing there) to find just one, just one good thing to say about him but the trouble is, the guy has absolutely NO redeeming features whatsoever. Zilch.

I could make a list of all the things that are 100% WRONG about the guy but quite frankly you haven't got all night and it's not good for my insomnia to get so worked up before bedtime. I will say however that his biggest crime against humanity is bringing That Song into the world. It is the most tedious, nauseating pile of trite that my ears have ever had the misfortune to hear. Above all that, it should be held up in poetry classes (alongside this blog post no doubt)across the land as the perfect example of how NOT to write.

I know many of us, my third year English teacher included, have a problem with the use of the word 'nice', ('Think of the biscuit,' I remember him saying. 'A bit bland and tasteless but alright if you fancy something sweet and you've got nothing else in the house.') but to me the word 'beautiful' is much more of a cop-out - It could apply to the jumper I bought from Save the Children during my lunch break, it could apply to a Pre-Raphaelite painting, it could apply to my cat - but it describes none of them. It is for this reason that Sonnet no. 130 beats every single one of Shakespeare's plays as the most striking poetry ever written. His Dark Lady's eyes may indeed be 'nothing like the sun' but by that final couplet we feel that we know her and we too love her more 'than any she belied with false compare.' That woman in the song? Could we pick her out in a crowd on what James Blunt told us about her? Would we care if her train plummeted from the track just after the next stop?

Even my five year old daughter has moved beyond the use of the word beautiful. Only a couple of days ago she urged me to look out the window. 'Look at the sky Mummy!' she declared 'It's gone all golden.' You may laugh but I bet the image you have in your head is ten hundred times more clear than that of Miss 'Beautiful' over there on that train. My daughter has also moved on from rhyming 'you' 'true' and 'do' but like I say, I don't have the time to go there.

I gather there are some readers who don't understand how we got from Linda Perry to James Blunt. Let me explain. Last week I was told by a reliable source that Linda Perry is responsible for discovering James Blunt. Yes that's right every time you walk into a shop and are subjected to a sound that resembles a man's slow, painful death by testicle strangulation, remember it is Linda Perry who put him there. Now excuse me while I duck so you can all get to her.

Oh Linda, Linda, Linda! Gone are my childish illusions that you were ever Taste personified. After 13 years I watch as they are blown away by the wind.

I guess I shall be 'trying to get up that great big hill of hope' all by myself from now on.

It'll be a lonely ride.

Yours sincerely

Purple Elephant

Posted by purple elephant at 10:16 PM |

November 15, 2006

Wanted; A different phobia....

Does anyone know where I can get myself a fear of needles? Just about everyone I know has one, I know big hefty men who topple to the ground at the thought of their own blood being sucked from their body. The thing is when I was not too well a couple of months ago I had quite a few blood tests and I tried to be scared I really did. I even watched as the needle pierced my skin, but my heart would not so much as skip a beat. Damned thing.

Now if you have read this far and you have a fear of needles then I really don't want you to think that I am mocking you because this really isn't the case. I'm not writing this post because I think I'm all big and clever and better than you because I'm not. My fear is much more stupid and mundane than yours and the greatest problem is it can pop up at anytime and take me totally by surprise.

You see everyone, I turn a white shade of pallid and start swooning at the mention of anything to do with the digestive tract, particularly anything that might be expelled from either end. Yes indeed if my doctor was right now running towards me with The Biggest Needle in the World Ever, my eye lid would not so much as flicker. If he were to add that the side effects of what he was about to give me were vomiting and diarrhoea, you wouldn't hear the end of his sentence for the sound of the back of my head thudding on the floorboards.

An example. Yesterday afternoon I got home from work and Mr. PE had cooked a grand risotto. It had all my favourite things in it, like olives and mushrooms and there I was tucking into it pretty happily whilst watching the local news. You'd think I'd be safe watching the local news now wouldn't you? But no, on comes a piece about the Winter Vomiting Virus that has hit Bedford hospital really hard, apparently.

And suddenly I find myself feeling all nostalgic about the past. Do you remember the days when we used to get 'tummy bugs' and 'upset tummies'? Even I, with my fear admit that they sound rather cute. 'I'm a little bug that has come to visit your tummy' and 'There there little tummy are you sad?' But Winter Vomiting Virus! Ugh! Just the alliteration in there makes me shudder and then imagine it with a German accent 'Vinter ..... THUD!

Now where was I? Look East The local news. Remember my friends, that I live in East Anglia and nothing ever happens locally. Every item that is even remotely newsworthy has to be dragged out for all its worth so that the local news team have a hope in hell of filling the whole half hour. So we are shown how to wash our hands but I'm not convinced; a blob of Carex may see off the wussy Tummy Bug but I expect the Winter Vomiting Virus probably drinks Carex for breakfast with a double vodka for good measure.

And if only Look East could stop there but no, they had a news story and it was still only 6.45. How could they fill the time? Wait ... Wait ... Here it comes, drum roll please....

'So,' says the reporter. 'What are the symptoms of Winter Vomiting Virus?'

I really really wish I was making this up but alas I kid you not, he spoke those exact words. And then to taunt me the screen went red and in big white bullet points appeared across the screen; the symptoms of Winter Vomiting Virus. 1-2-3 there they were and no, I'm not going to repeat them. Work it out for yourselves.

After that the room went black, and my risotto, my lovely lovely risotto, went cold.

Posted by purple elephant at 09:57 PM |

November 09, 2006

My first blog post in over a week and I'm already asking a favour...

Has anyone got any tips for getting biro ink out of denim. My pen leaked in the pocket of my favourite jeans.

I wouldn't mind but I'd only worn them once. The thing is I'm super fussy about the fit of trousers and I loathe shopping for jeans in particular because it takes me ages to find a pair I really like. I stumbled across this pair in a charity shop last Saturday and *sob* I'm not likely to find them ever again. So do your best for me guys...

Tune in again tomorrow for advice on how to fix a broken nail....

Posted by purple elephant at 10:08 PM |