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September 30, 2006
The end of an era.... x2
God I hate funerals.
I am of course not suggesting for one moment that there is one person in the world that leaps out of bed and cheers, ‘Wow, a funeral! I haven’t been to one on aaaaagggges’ but for me, grief and memory are private and I just can’t deal with this thing that somehow whether you are the deceased’s husband, or her daughter’s dinnerlady’s second cousin-twice removed, you’ve all got to feel and behave the same. There does seem to be this unwritten funeral protocol whereby you have to look suitably sad, not too sad, for instance, sniffing to such an extent that no-one can hear the service is wrong, but dabbing the corner of one’s eye with a carefully prepared hanky, is The Right Thing To Do.
I have a little secret. I bypass all that nonsense and spend the funeral thinking about absolutely anything in the world except the deceased. I know this defeats the purpose but it means that I don’t behave incorrectly and bingo, no-one gets offended. I can do all the thinking and grieving in my own way later on when I’m on my own, when I can swear or kick the table or, horror of horrors, even wet myself laughing.
Anyway incase you want to follow my example here are some useful general tips that should apply to any funeral in the future;
1) Who wants to be an undertaker? I realise that this is something that’s usually passed down in families but what if your Dad is expecting you to carry on the business and you just want to be a rock star and grow your hair and pierce your upper eye lid or something. Likewise what if you really want to be an undertaker and your dad’s an accountant? What do you say at the interview? ‘I – like - get on really well with dead people.’
2) Why is it OK in churchy situations, to fail to reference your quotes properly? Why does no-one think to mention that William Blake wrote Jerusalem? And who wrote all that stuff about being in the next room anyway? Yesterday there were two poems quoted in full and no clue as to who wrote them. I would get heavily penalised for that kind of plagiarism where I come from. I have come to the conclusion that the church get away with it because God has the ultimate copyright on everything we say.
Oh and by the way I got my essay in before five. No midnight liasons with the security lodge for me! It’s official my degree is well and truly over. It ended up being a bit of an anticlimax really. I handed it in, was given the recepit and then I asked where the toilets were for my little girl.
Was that it?
Oh and I didn’t get the job, the one I really wanted.
You know some good news, any time now, would be well and truly welcome.
Posted by purple elephant at September 30, 2006 12:00 PM