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September 13, 2005
My morning thus far,
I start the day with my daughter telling me she hates me because I wont let her wear her fairy dress to school, I finally get her to understand that in big school they have to wear school uniform but it takes half an hour, which means we are running late.
I search high and low for her school bag, finally find it with a letter in it explaining that the children will be having PE on a Monday, there is no need to buy special kit because they wear their underwear, so could we please remember to send our kids with a vest on a Monday. I know I’m never going to remember on Monday so as we fly out the front door and down the stairs I announce that despite the fact that it is still blazing hot, perhaps Littleone should start wearing a vest to school from now on because she’s going to start having PE on a Monday.
It took a four year old to remind me that Monday was in fact yesterday and that it was OK because she borrowed a vest. I don’t ask where or who from, it’s probably best I don’t know. Ditto to how long the said letter had been sitting in her bag.
When the kids get to school they are supposed to take off their outdoor shoes and change into a pair of plimsolls for the classroom. As luck would have it my daughter’s plimsolls have disappeared from the pocket on the back of her chair, I mention this to her teacher who smiles politely and insists that she’s sure they’ll turn up and I did put her name in them didn’t I?
Silence.
‘Please Miss. I swear to God her plimsolls are the only item I forgot to name. I’m ever so sorry Miss. It won’t happen again.’
She smiles sweetly again and her mouth says,
‘No worries, these things happen, I’m sure they’ll still turn up.’
But her eyes glare at me,
‘For fucks sake I spend all day looking after your bastard kids but none are quite so bad as their useless mothers. You, YOU really take the fucking biscuit Madam. If you can’t even remember to name your daughter’s shoes then how in Christ’s name do you remember to feed, clothe and wash her? And besides weren’t you the twat who didn’t send your kid to school with a vest yesterday. Might have guessed! I’ll let you off this time but if you put one foot, yes I said ONE more foot wrong again over the course of whole year, your daughter will be out on her arse. Do you get me?’
I backed away feeling the need to remind her that the plimsolls were black, size 9 and had an Adams label in them. In the process I nearly tripped over one of 25 kids with size 9 feet wearing black plimsolls from Adams.
I had the disc and envelope with me to go straight back down to the library to attempt to print off my essay again. I get to Arbury square at 9.10 only to discover that the library doesn’t open until 10:00. At this moment I can’t face the thought of walking all the way home and back out again and after all we need some shopping from Budgens that should kill 50 minutes.
Well 15 actually, the two numbers do sound alike I guess.
I think about buying a paper and a drink and sitting and waiting but I only have a little bit of change on me, the only cash machine charges 1.50 for the privilege of accessing your own money. Bollocks to that I’ll wait.
I manage 7 minute before I start rummaging in the flowerbeds for some broken glass with which to slit my wrists. Enough is enough I’m going home. If I take the short cut through the college it should only take about 10 minutes. Of course the gate will be open, it was after all still open at 6.15 last night. I walk across the car park and the field only to discover a big friendly padlock wrapped around the gate and its corresponding gate post. I can’t face walking all the way back round again so I head back to Arbury Square.
After another 3 minutes I’m willing to pay the 1.50 in order to keep my sanity.
Beep beep beep beep! I’m not happy about this but there is my pin number you thieving lump of metal.
‘Very well. How much would you like?’
‘Ten pounds you shit.’
‘Please wait while we deal with your request.’
Three and a half minutes later
‘Please wait while we deal with your request.’
‘Look OK I’ve given up all hope of seeing my tenner but could I at least have my card back you fucker?’
‘Please wait while we deal with your request.’
‘I said CANCEL you bastard.’
‘Please wait while we deal with your request.’
‘Cancel? Please?’
‘You have requested 10 pounds. You will be charged 1.50 for this transaction. Do you want to continue?’
I was going to give up and get my card back but the cans of Budgen’s Diet Cola were beckoning alluringly from the shelves.
‘Yes.’
‘Please wait while we deal with your request.’
and again
‘Please wait while we deal with your request.’
and again
‘Please wait while we deal with your request.’
Oh what the fuck?! The library is probably open by now. You have helped me waste some time when you thought you were winding me up. I don’t even want your stupid money now. So ner!
‘Cancel’
‘Please wait while we deal with your request.’
‘Dear God. I said CANCEL.’
‘Please wait while we deal with your request.’
Right I’m getting the manager.
‘Your session had timed out. Here is your card. Please try again later.’
‘Try again later? You have got to be kidding! If I find you have deducted from my account and not given me the money, all hell will let loose. Do you understand.’
Two minutes later I’m at the till with my cola and the new format Guardian paying by card and getting cashback, wondering why the hell I didn’t think of this 10 minutes ago.
The kid on the checkout smiles and says
‘Forget something?’
‘Look mate. any other day of my life I wouldn’t mind being mocked by someone almost half my age. But today if you want to see your sixteenth birthday I suggest you just give me my cash without asking me why I just spent 10 minutes talking to a cash machine.’
Outside the library I bump into the mother of one of Littleone’s school friends I ask how it’s going and chat for 5 minutes about how he is having a hard time at school.
I now have three minutes to down my coke before the library opens and as I’m in need of a caffeine buzz I manage quite well.
Only problem is I spend the next ten minutes in a silent library trying not to belch like a hag.
Well blow me! It actually appears on the screen with no problems and I managed to print it out without blowing up the library.
I have to borrow a stapler to clip the sheets together and a pen to write an apologetic note to my tutor and the librarian does look at me and with a ‘Weren’t you in here yesterday.... ?‘ look but thankfully thinks better of voicing her opinion.
So it is now at least in the post, in one piece as far as I know. I’m not even going to go into whether I answered the question or not. It was a bit different from anything I’ve written before. I hope it’s OK.
Now you see why I don’t even want to begin explaining why I wasn’t using the printer at home.
Oh and I told my tutor it was a slight ‘technical hitch’ I hope that is enough.
And no! I never got round to reading the paper.
Posted by purple elephant at September 13, 2005 12:54 PM