because apparently my main goal today is to keep as far away from research and revision as possible...

the list of things done in lieu of actual work:

it's early yet. i might get to the paper. or maybe i will reorganize the kitchen cabinets. lol.

after a long food-filled weekend it is time to get back to work.

the paper that i need to be working diligently on is leaving me remarkably uninspired. it needs to head in a new direction so that it hinges on a more interesting question but since finishing the draft i have been spinning my wheels. i have the main idea and some supporting texts and criticism but i am to the "so what?" portion of the paper.
you know, the "yes, you've made your point, but so what? what does that mean? why should anyone care?" section and right now...eh.

c is home sick today which makes any serious concentration difficult. maybe i will reread the primary text and see if anything lunges out at me. or maybe i will just sit here and play with my pretty colored pens and post-its.

rainy mondays aren't very good for writers' block. it was good to have a few days off but i am paying for it now with a surge of guilt and anxiety. you know it is on your mind when you wake up dreaming of what you should be writing...now if only i could remember what i wrote in my dream! maybe it was brilliant and inspired!

should i finish up a crappy non-graded response paper for class this afternoon or should i look like a slacker and hand it in late so i can attend a lecture by one of the biggies in my field in the department?

gah. not sure.

sure wish i would have finished up the paper yesterday. see what procrastinating does?

also, shhhh. i snuck in a nice warm chai latte today so i could stay awake while i work in my tiny corner of the library.

paper is done! not perfect, but not too damn bad and only 5 hours late, which given this week is amazing.

so, in celebration of the paper being out of my hands, i present...

the happy dance:

yes, i took over j's room with the clever use of flags (post-it flags at least) but it seems i have been invaded.

i set up a card table in the farthest corner of the teeniest room in our teeny house and guess where every member of my family is right friggin' now????

yup, even the damn dog.

update on paper ('cause i know you are all dying to know): actually turning into a workable thesis and i only have to write about two more pages and clean it up a bit. whew!

my prof is being understanding and letting me email the paper since i am going to have to miss class tomorrow.

one sick kid. one suspended kid. one stressed mom trying to crank out the last of a still weak paper.

at least i now have until 3:30 tomorrow.

total pages written this morning: 0

0??? i have about three pages of notes on the film and a ginormous stack of photocopies all marked up and flagged, but actual writing? nothing. nadda. zilch.

could be the whole "it's the first real grad school paper and i don't want to look like a moron" thing. just thinkin'....

so back to reading and re-reading essays and articles and hoping for inspiration really, really, soon.

i have decided that i need to reference the film adaptation of the novel in my paper. i am dealing with gaze and think that it could be useful. however, that means rewatching the film.

it's work this time, really. i have a pencil, a highlighter, and post-it flags so it must be work.

post-it flags! honest!

i am re-thinking my thesis and while i may have a brilliant idea brewing it is far enough out there that i need to make sure i can back it up.

have you ever been writing,you have a grasp on a brilliant idea, all the criticism suddenly clicks into place, and you rush to get it all down only to get halfway through and draw a complete blank?

yeah....

i banged out a few pages but seem to have lost my train of thought.

why can't i have caffeine in the library if i promise to be good and not spill? i won't even have it near books, honest! just over here by my laptop and my very pretty color coded notes. can't they make caffeine no-spill sippy cups?

thursday is the day during the week where you can no longer say that you will do things "sometime this week." for me this means an afternoon of library time. so i am packing up the laptop and not leaving the sterile, glassblock and concrete prison until some substantial work has been accomplished. (ah the lovely public library here....)

and because i am sure everyone needs to know...the list for today:

i just checked online and courses are being posted for next semester. some look interesting, others just frightening. but the thing about never being on campus is i am completely disconnected.

i have absolutely no idea when to register, how to register, what to register for. i don't have an advisor. i don't know anyone to ask. i have no clue what to do next and i am isolated from that damn campus. i haven't managed to find financial aid yet and it seems there is a hold on my registration for--get this--incomplete application information. what the hell?

yes, this is a great school with a fantastic program. so, maybe it's just me?

honestly, i haven't even met anyone from the department in my field yet. sad, huh? i miss my old advisor. i miss being a part of a department.

i actually did some research for that pesky end of term paper. i have some vague ideas of topic but nothing has really jumped out at me. i am not familiar with my new access to grad school library so i have been a bit overwhelmed. that and i procrastinate.

i signed up for all my library priviledges this morning and wandered around through journal articles and databases. amazing what is available to me.

so, how does anyone else do it? conference paper, article, etc. how do you make yourself settle in on a topic when one hasn't already got you all revved up? how do you find that key question that hasn't been tackled before? suggestions?

(see? i am feeling better about the writing. not confident, let's not get crazy. but better. i set up an appointment to meet with the prof and get some feedback. i just don't want to waste our time by not being prepared. so....research it is.)

me? blogging from school?

i have to write another critique and i would rather cheer the yankees on to a world series victory...that's how bad it is!

for every few pages i read i get to waste a little time wandering blogs. then i have to knock out a few pages before class so i can have them returned covered in corrections. yes, you would think i would work on this earlier, but i keep finding clever (?) ways to avoid it.

and it is so quiet here that my stomach rumbling is echoing around the third floor. i need a cookie...

i have to move back and forth between these three and sometimes i don't change gears that easily.

i have been having trouble feeling like a grad student, working up the momentum for research, generally doing anything academic.

i had blamed it on many things--adhd, depression (both of which are actually present and i am sure contributed to the problem), the commute, lack of a real working space. but today i found myself feeling inspired to work as a result of an interesting (frustrating?) series of events.

i managed to get ready in time--proud of myself for knowing the train schedule by heart--and drove over just in time to get a parking spot and buy a ticket. i hadn't finished all the reading, but i had an hour or so on the train and another two and a half on campus--i would be fine. then i realized that i forgot the text. i hate being that person--the "can i look on?" person. so i ran back to the car and drove home. this, of course, resulted in me missing the train and on returning to the station not being able to find a spot to park. (the lot fills up quickly)

so you know what? i took it as a sign and i played hooky. i went shopping and did my nails and didn't stress at all. and when i got home i meditated a bit (quiet house. no kids!) i played with my new toy from levenger(everyone should get one of these!) and i found that i was starting to get in "student mode." i jotted some notes for an upcoming paper, did some reading, made a list of sources and journal articles. i organized files and made a better work space. i also set things up so that it would be easy for me to work over at the local library a couple mornings a week. it's a lame library, but it is a work space that is not here and i think it will be good for me. yeah, there is still wireless, but i will work out some kind of rewards program--scheduled email and blogging breaks for x amount of time spent working.

somehow, by not sitting here feeling overwhelmed and disconnected, i managed a spark of, well, of something.

so now i am watching "hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy" with the boys, getting ready for a fall ball baseball game, and feeling like if finally got something accomplished not out of necessity but because i wanted to.

oh and i picked up a cute top and some fall candles so it was a good day all around.

happy friday!

i won a writing award for an essay i wrote at undergrad. i have known about this for a little while now, it isn't a big deal (although there is a check!) and have been trying to decide whether or not to go back for the presentation.

it will be presented at the reception for the lit magazine (i was editor for this issue last semester). undergrad school is only 5 minutes away.

gah, i don't know. is it lame to go? should i send a "thanks but i am not around" kind of note. should i go and see people?

i am friends with most of the profs--we are all about the same age--so the awkward level has always been high at these types of things. i was always in between--not quite student enough, not a prof. and now? still odd i think because not enough time has passed.

i am just not sure which would be lamer (is that a word?) to go? or not to go?

as promised, some wanderings and musings about graduate school, academic prejudices and job options...

i am racing through my reading assignment for tomorrow. i might want to remember that i can't really read a novel of this length in an hour or two. good thing i have that train ride, eh?

happy happy birthday!! to my friend who is brilliant and funny and wow-ing them all at grad school way too far from here. i miss you tons!

i made it there yesterday in one piece--one sticky, panicked, slightly disheveled piece, but one piece.

i got to class a few minutes early, as usual. i hate being late to classes, i can't settle down if i feel rushed and stressed. anyway, outside in the hallway is another student...waiting. so i attempt a little idle chit chat. i can do it. i have the tiniest bit of social skills. maybe.

but she was...ummm....chipper. or maybe perky. at least happy and bright. and young, dear lord was she young. i don't know how old she was but she was just "young." ooh and bubbly. and did i mention young?

so i was thinking, "oh no. it's a jane austen course. what was i thinking? these are going to be simpering, prim, nice people! i am in huge trouble."

we filed in and did the awkward choosing of positions around the table. you know that you are going to wind up there for the whole semester, so you need to choose wisely. i stationed myself on the opposite side of perky and bubbly. social skills, yes. ability to keep myself from throttling her, uh uh. then we all got out what we felt necessary for class. i also find this very telling. i can be a pen snob at times. and i love my levenger notebook. but...i also enjoy a happy bunny notebook or pen, etc. most people seemed ok, not overly organized but enjoying the newness of clean fresh pages in notebooks and pens that actually have ink. i swear i thought perky and bubbly was going to break out a few doilies, but we were spared.

3:30. 3:35. we are starting to get anxious. class starts at 3:30 and no sign of prof. 3:40....she comes in like something out of a cartoon with papers streaming behind her and her glasses pushed up on her head. she flops down in the chair,starts talking and promising that she would get there on time at least once if she ever got organized. she told us to call her by her first name (which caused a gasp from perky and bubbly), told us about her grad school experiences and i knew right away that i would love her. she doesn't like the "austen freaks" who dwell on the niceties. she loves the irony and wit and even meanness in the writing. she is a bit snarky and left to get a diet coke at one point (and offered to get anyone else one!)

we are going to be just fine. we did some "break the ice" exercises. they went well and i feel like i am on solid ground. there is only one paper (no pressure, eh?) but it won't be a problem.

on the way home i rode the smelly train with two girls from class. both were married (!) and back in school. and both were fun and a little less bubbly. it made the ride a lot less stressful.

so now all i have to do is read and write and argue about austen. things are looking up!

i am home and relaxing by 8:00! not too bad. two hours on the trip home. 2hr 45 for the trip in.

i will post all about my class after i unwind a bit. but i am safe and sound (not mugged!) and in case you were wondering...

i love grad school.

have to get some sleep since, guess what....it's a school night. never mind that the kids aren't in school yet and my class is in the afternoon so we can all still sleep. it is indeed a school night.

i am nervous about tomorrow--about the commute, about what to wear, about which books to bring (all 9?). but i am starting to look forward to the class. this is the part i am good at. this is the part that i love. this is the reason i wanted to go to grad school--all english classes, all the time. no more math for non-math majors. no more science. just lit. classes. and in this case, an author that i love.

i am leaving extra early tomorrow so i can avoid as much stress as possible and maybe even take a peek at the beautiful library on campus.

getting ready for another attempt at the commute. classes start tomorrow. i feel better about that part. i have done some background work this week so i am prepared. plus i was lucky to have had excellent friends/profs who knew i was headed to grad school and pushed me while i was at undergrad. judging by what i heard and saw at orientation, that will prove very helpful.

speaking of profs...my favorite prof/mentor/friend emailed this morning. nothing much. just a little chit chat. but it helped to get me in the right mindset.

now to prepare for classes...today's to-do list includes a pedicure, loading up more songs on the mp3 and finding something to wear. see? priorities.

on edit: just watched sense and sensibility. it is not loafing about. it is "research." that's my story and i'm sticking to it. lol

i think i have worked out a solution to the nightmare commute. if anyone out there is familiar with nyc and its various trains and feels like letting me bounce a few questions off them it would be appreciated.

at any rate. there is a train station pretty much at the campus which would eliminate the gauntlet run we made monday. i am hoping for the best.

also, i wish i knew which texts (if any) to bring friday so i didn't lug them all in. i hate to be the one without a text but hefting nine books back and forth seems a bit extreme as well. this was all so much easier when i had a 5 minute commute!

inside my "just for students" backpack....three, not one, but three pamphlets to ease my fears about a very important issue to this school. they all had the same title...

i wasn't too nervous yesterday. after all, i wasn't going in alone. J and the boys were coming in with me to see my new school. we learned a few valuable lessons about parking at the station (not before 10!) and we were on our way.

because i am neurotic well prepared, i knew precisely what subways i needed to get us up there. no trouble. piece of cake. and then we stepped outside.

there is a lot of talk out there about whether we are anxious or excited for school to start. i love fall. i love school supplies and cracking open new books and making lists so that i can pretend i am going to stay ultra-organized this semester and not just let things slide into the chaotic end-of-semester procrastination fest.

am i excited? i should be, right? i mean all i wanted for the last few years was to get into a good grad school. i did that. but i am terrified. scared of being the non-city girl in the city. scared of not fitting in. scared of tripping over my own feet and landing face down on a stack of books in front of my first class. scared that i am not at grad school level. scared that i will get bored. maybe even scared that i will do well and then holy shit (!) i might have to teach soon.

how am i handling this? besides popping stomach meds like pez? i am just assuring myself that i will get that fall back to school feeling. that excitement over a new class, with a new prof and new discussions. i know that i love the texts i am reading. i have already read them--a few times. so i am going to take the train, mp3 player loaded, book in hand and stumble through geeky and awkward orientation. i am not going to panic about the commute and i am going to wait for the fall semester to start and sweep me back into things.

there has to be a reason i chose this. i know it. but it was nice and cushy being the big fish in the little pond.

so as long as i don't go to jail tomorrow after my court appearance...school starts next week.

i finally got in touch with someone about registering for classes. unfortunately, that leaves me with limited choices. not that i wouldn't mind slowly working my way through all or most of the course offerings, but i do need to be practical. most of the medieval courses are closed. i know i need to take other things, but i was hoping to start out with something i really wanted.

and then there is the commute. i don't know what i was thinking. oh, that's right. what i was thinking is "oh thank god that someone let me in!" but now i am feeling very self-doubty (shut up! that's a word!) i am wondering why they let me in when no one else did (well, i still didn't hear from one!) and i am wondering if i am going to go there and fall flat on my damn face.

and money. just keep piling up the loans.

i should just go get a mcjob

on edit: there are only two open courses that i can take and they both count as the same requirement. so....really, just one. looks like i will be easing my way into grad school. both good and bad, i guess, but right now i am feeling pretty frustrated. at least it is the one (non-medieval) course that made me go "ooooh! they give people credit for that? yay!" so yeah, go me.

no snazzy title--it took too long to get here. i thought about making my usual snarky comments and blowing this off as if it weren't important. i know that undergrad graduation is merely a blip on the screen. i know that the hard (and more rewarding) work is yet to come and i am anxiously anticipating grad school. but...

i graduated HS in 1986. yes, that was a good long while ago. i am reminded of that every time i sit in a class with people who were born while i was still in HS. i only applied to one college back then--a school with a strong music program. see, at age 17 i knew exactly how the rest of my life was going to work out. i would be as successful in college as i was in HS. i would graduate and spend some time as a professional musician (in high demand) and then settle in to teach HS so i could raise my perfectly behaved, exceptionally talented children--one boy and one girl. my husband would dote on me and we would travel and live in luxury.

so that was the plan. not a bad plan, but you can imagine that it was more theoretical than practical. i am, alas, not a famous musician. in fact, i went from being a big fish in a little pond to being chum for the snobby, pretentious music department. i started to hate playing. i dreaded lessons. i hated recitals. i wanted to be with open-minded people who enjoyed varieties of music and found myself in classical hell. i love classical music. in fact, it is what i am best at playing, however, i wanted options.

i was away for the first time and you know what that meant? no parents. that's right. freedom. (and to those parents that might be reading this...pretend i made this up to better the story, ok?) i discovered a social life. one that included drinking and friends and parties and guys and probably a little more drinking. when i mixed that newfound social excitement with my utter disappointment in what i had always loved it wasn't a recipe for success.

i stopped going to classes. i started to feel like a poor student, a poor musician--i was miserable. my grades showed it. so i just stopped going. i didn't withdraw. it wasn't even really a conscious decision. one day i just stopped going and didn't go back.

and then...real life. i met jim. and we dated. and dated. and lived together...for a really. long. time. we deftly deflected the "are you guys ever going to get married" question for almost 8 years. then kids. yup, kids, two of 'em. and marriage (to the shock of those who had given up). and you know what? it was real life. not my imagined life.

so, i was not a professional musician. in fact, i rarely even played. i was not a teacher. i worked a variety of jobs--banker, painter, day care worker. and my kids? nope, not perfect. but much more fun. they are creative and challenging and funny and so much better than the cookie cutter family i had planned out.

but i realized something. i still didn't fit in. i wasn't going to be driving a minivan and making cupcakes for the pta. i was never going to fit in with the soccer mom crowd. i wasn't exactly martha stewart around the house either. i tried for a while. but i failed. and i was miserable.

so for two years i would go through the motions of returning to school in the fall. i would get the paperwork, maybe even fill it out, and then just not go through with it. after all, i was a terrible student. i left my first college on academic probation. i hadn't played in years and now i didn't know what i wanted to be when i grew up.

i finally got brave enough to go through with it. my first class? i chose expository writing. i had dropped this course three times during my first attempt at college. i knew i wasn't a good writer but i thought if i could get through this course, the one i dreaded the most, i could do this. i would just get a liberal arts degree, at least it was something.

but then a surprise. i wasn't a bad student. the first school had been a bad school, or at least for me. and i got lucky this time. the professor took me aside and recommended that i consider staying in the english department. she recommended that i take a course in medieval lit with a professor that she thought i would work well with.

no surprises here, i guess. that professor is my advisor/mentor/friend and i am headed off to fordham for graduate studies in medieval lit. i have had nothing but success at this school. i finally figured out what i want to be when i grow up and that maybe i don't feel like growing up just yet either. because of my advisor, i realized that my options weren't limited to teaching elementary school with an alternate route degree or selling socks at the gap. he opened up doors, encouraged me, pushed me, and at times exasperated me. and now i am saying goodbye and it is a little more emotional than i had anticipated.

i met friends that love what i love and think like i think and stay up late with me debating over drinks and movies.

and now i am moving on. i am finished here. i have outgrown it. but i am still a little sentimental about this school that allowed me to find my way. and i am a little proud of what i have accomplished. nineteen years after my last graduation, i am finally going to graduate and i am doing it summa cum laude. i have been awarded honors in both the english department and the music department. i never would have imagined that this is where i would be back when i was 17 and had it all planned out--who knows where i will be in five or six more years. i'd say i had that all planned out as well, but we know how that would go.

hey, it took me a while. but i finally figured it out. i am lucky. i got a second chance. i got to grow up a bit before deciding what i wanted to be when i grew up. so today is a day to celebrate a little--and tomorrow as well. hey, it took a while to get here, two days of celebrating seems perfectly reasonable. and there are a lot of people--family and friends, who have been supportive through all my tantrums and triumphs who deserve to celebrate as well.

cheers everyone!

this morning is my very last undergrad class. yup. i am done. it feels like i should have more, or that there should be some kind of big party and celebration, but instead i am going to go to a dreadfully dull class for one hour and then i am finished.

don't get me wrong though, i am very happy that it is over.

my stomach, however, is not as happy, apparently and i spent a very restless night in a lot of pain. ah, the joys of being me.

yesterday's colloquium went well. it was good to be the seasoned veteran for a change. there was a time when giving presentations made me panicky because of the public speaking aspect alone. that has long passed. yesterday's paper was a creative non-fiction piece that i have presented before so i was very comfortable. not my usual area of writing, but a nice change of pace. besides, questions afterwards on creative pieces quite a bit different than questions afterwards on a research piece. i smiled a little at my intro when they included grad school.

i gave my mentor prof the gift i had picked out for him. i found a replica astrolabe at a museum store. it seemed appropriate. i returned all the books i had borrowed and collected mine. we had been sharing resources the last few years. i have to admit that i got a little sentimental at that point. hard to imagine not working with him anymore--frightening to imagine trying to establish that kind of relationship over again with another prof.

rambling disconnected post this morning. rainy fridays will do that.

what? you don't recognize the tune? i'm also a music major you know...that's pomp and circumstance....

and for those who have asked (and those who have been afraid to...)

here is a proof of the infamous grad pic that i was forced encouraged to have taken.

and psssst. look what i picked up. (and yes, i am that geeky. i did take a pic. lol)

if i had known that i would be graduating naked!!!

it is getting awfully close to graduation and i thought, "gee, i wonder when they are going to let me know about my cap and gown?"

"hmmm," i thought, "i should have heard something. let me dig around on the website and see what i can find."

graduates should pick up academic attire on april 7

what???? was anyone going to mention this to me? this is like one of those dreams where you show up to graduation and realize that you aren't wearing anything at all. but then again, why would this go smoothly and ruin my perfect record of stress and fun. lol.

tonight is my last concert for this school. i have always had mixed feelings about these. the musical ability of the group is not very high, but the conductor is a friend and we always have a good time. plus the other group i play with comes in and fills in the gaps so that the concert comes off decently and i get to see some good friends.

but tonight is my tenth and last concert here. i laugh when i say that since i now hold the record for the most concerts here. but ten is enough to make me feel a twinge of pre-graduation sadness. i may just miss this place a little after all.

i am trying to be an adult about someone else playing a piece that i wanted. i know he is just trying to give her a chance before she graduates. and i know he thinks i will understand because i am an adult. so i will attempt not to sulk or sneer or stamp my foot or show them in anyway that my feelings are hurt. but they are.

so, anyone up for a concert?

while i have been enjoying a no pressure weekend without the stress of impending presentations, i seem to have convinced myself that i was done for this semester.

but no. oh no. i still have another week plus to go before i escape to kalamazoo. a bit more reading. a tad more writing. nothing stressful. but i seem to have confused "nothing stressful" with "woofrigginhoo!! all done! no more school for me!"

and that....is going to make for a sucky monday morning.

and since when are 10:00 shows on "way too late for me?" i have become old.

the presentation was yesterday. i am a low tech presenter, and honestly, my research really didn't lend itself to images this time around. it seems that i was the only one not sporting a powerpoint presentation but since i am in a good mood i will save my rant on the use of powerpoint in lieu of actual substance for another day.

people weren't snoring so that was a good sign. if this had been my department, there may have been more interest, but for a "general public" presentation it was probably a bit dry. my attempts to liven it up a bit led to them completely missing the main point and grasping on to one example: bagpipes=lustfulness and lasciviousness.

people kept approaching me afterwards and saying:

"i never knew that about bagpipes."
"oh no! haha. i bought my son bagpipes. i must be leading him down the wrong path."

oh and one, "i didn't know there was so much lust in the tales. i may have to try and read them again. i hated them the first time. that language is awful to read."

so there you have it. my brilliant theories on polyphony that i cried over for the last few weeks.....eh. but bagpipes? the new oysters i tell ya.

anyway, it is over. it went well. and from here on out i am coasting until graduation. kalamazoo is in less than two weeks. i have a few finals in throw away classes.

and then....i graduate! bring on grad school.

i feel like someone just lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. i no longer have tunnel vision. frighteningly this means that i can now see the disaster that my house has become while i was in research/writing mode.

oh, and i can read for pleasure from now until the fall. i can finally make a dent in that stack of books!

i have about 25 pages and between filling in the gaps, adding in the images and generally cleaning things up i should be done with the exception of the elusive conclusion. apparently concluding with "thank god i'm done because this topic was sucking the life out of me" isn't the best way to go.

oh, apparently i was taking a break. actually i just got distracted looking something up in the dictionary and wandered around looking up cool words.

what? dictionaries are cool, aren't they?

i'm up. i'm up. *yawns*

and now oddly reminded of these lines:
William: what are you doing?
Chaucer: Uh... trudging. You know, trudging?
[pause]
Chaucer: To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.
William: Uhhh... were you robbed?
Chaucer: [laughs] Funny really, yes, but at the same time a huge resounding no. It's more of an... involuntary vow of poverty... really.

off to the piles of post-its and photocopies. (and oddly enough i enjoy being surrounded by all these sticky notes and jotted down ideas and trying to piece them together. it's just the getting started that is the problem.)

i am taking a break to make dinner (popcorn..what? it's a vegetable, kind of, right?)

i have finished reading all the critical essays and making my jumbled outline of what this paper will contain. i have also given myself permission not to be brilliant.

that doesn't mean that i am not going to churn out a well researched, well thought out paper. but i have been putting so much pressure on myself about this one that i have been completely blocked and stressed. and here's the kicker--until september, i am still an undergrad. this doesn't have to be published (would be nice though). the truth is, this has to be a decent paper. i can do that.

now, i am off to work until desparate housewives comes on. i am sure there is some kind of clause somewhere that excuses all research during the hour between 9-10pm EST on a sunday night.
on edit: do you see how brain fried i am? i was waiting for desparate housewives....on a saturday!!! sheesh. ok, looks like no excuses to stop working this evening

then we will see how tired i am and how much caffeine is available.

oh, and not that i was watching (i was just listening...mostly) but the mets won....that's six...ha ha ha...six wins. (said in my bestcount voice.

one more substantial paper due monday and then just some odds and ends to finish up. a little editing. a little reading. nothing stressful.
and then you know what? i am off to kalamazoo.

i figure this is my last no pressure trip out there. i am going to scope out people who will be at my new school. (because yes, i am going to grad school!)

i have been wandering around blogs and reading people's reactions to conferences. me? i still get excited about them. i still go to panels, sometimes even the early ones! i am sure that will wear off eventually, but i always come away all geared up to do some real research and come up with something new and brilliant. for me, it's a little vacation. a hotel room? all to myself? i can practically already see myself jumping up and down on the bed, laughing 'til tears stream down my face and yelling "freedom!!!" ummm, i mean, pining for the family. lol. one of those;)

but for today, nothing new and brilliant. just some rehashed research on music and chaucer. gah, i hate this project. if it weren't for that pesky grant i would have scrapped it months ago.

but kalamazoo is my reward for getting it done. and 5 days. that's right 5 days after kzoo??? i graduate. i am cooking up a thrilling, sentimental, yet sarcastic post for the grand occasion. i know you are on the edge of your seats.

anyone else going to kalamazoo? interested in getting together? let me know.

i am better today. the truth is that the school i will be attending is one of the ones that was on the top of my list. once i get over the nightmare commute (2+ hours by train each way), it is a good match for me.

wanna know where i will be in the fall?

ok, i didn't get into my first choice. i kept thinking that i would find out. that i would have good news. that surely the reason that it was taking so long couldn't be bad.

but you know what? it was. and i am left here wondering if i even know what the hell i am doing. all those schools said no. and while there is one left out, i am not holding out any hope.

yes, one said yes. and it's a good program. but it is going to be a 2 hour commute and there will be no financial package. so what the hell did i work for all this time? why did i struggle to raise two kids and go to school full-time and damn it, i am graduating with a 3.9, so what?

was it too much to think that i would get into a phd program and maybe not have to pay for everything? is it that outrageous an idea?

well apparently it is. and i have just lost any motivation i had to finish writing today. i just don't understand why i worked so hard in the first place.

i'm not the only one who writes in single space and then expands to double later on so that i can go "oooh! look how far i've gotten!!"

right?

ok, back to work. 15 pages done so far. getting there. slowly but surely. just stopped to get some lunch (popcorn) and check the mail (still no news...)

on edit: first paper is done! and it isn't even due until thursday. unbelievable, yes? i know i am amazed. of course this other one....yeah, yeah, back to work.

both kids are finally at school at the same time!!

so it looks like no excuses. time to hit the books. in five weeks i actually manage to graduate. not bad considering i graduated hs in 1986. but it appears to be dependent on me finishing about 65 pages or so of writing in the next month.

i am sure i will get in the groove and knock them out. only one paper is really challenging. the rest will fall into my senioritis "it's good enough" category.

i know i am stressed since i woke up dreaming that i was giving a conference presentation and none of the video equipment would work and i was stumbling and panicked.

it is nice out though. and there's baseball on. and i have a new camera.......no, no, i am sure i will be studying. ;)

know what i am doing today? teaching. that's right. me. teaching medieval lit. you know you wish you were in my class too because it will be fun.

mentor prof is away this week so i get to teach miller's tale and wife of bath. oddly enough i am not at all nervous. could be the fact that half of the class time will be spent watching the bbc adaptations of the tales.

also today, i am running the venture (lit magazine) meeting for the last time. now if i can get through the day without devastating news in the mail...all will be well.

today is my crazy day anyway so wish me luck and let's hope i don't forget anything.

i watch through the window as the mailman brings the mail up the driveway. i don't rush out to meet him. i don't want to appear that desperate and lately i realize that the news can hurt. so, i wait a second and watch him pull away.


i reach into the mailbox and can tell that there are no large folders. no, welcome to the program size folders. ok, maybe there aren't any letters today.


and then i see it. the return address from my top choice. on a little envelope. against my will my eyes start to tear up.

two more grad school letters today but they were both rejections. these stung a little. one was the school my mentor went to. as much as i wanted to go there, i also felt like a let him down. he really did everything possible to get me in, calling in favors, etc, and it still wasn't enough.

we are down to three schools that haven't replied. as of right now i am not feeling terribly hopeful of getting into a phd program. yes, i can go to grad school. i have one offer. i am just feeling like i didn't do what i set out to do.

hrumph.

I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!

*I am not going to post which school until all answers are here and I know where I am going, but if you email me I will tell you.


I have to make a decision by April 15. But right now I am soooo relieved to have a decision to make. Still waiting on 5 other schools.


halle-friggin-lujah! I am going to grad school!!

two more classes and then it's spring break. i am spending my spring break locked in the library, but it is at least on my schedule and trust me, my schedule is much more flexible.


kids are both home sick today. made hubby deal with it and help out this morning. he tries.


mid-term tonight, but it's a core course and nothing i am feeling stressed about. then hopefully, out for drinks afterwards with the prof previously known as the fraggle. i don't know if they serve nyquil at the bar, but we'll see how it goes.


and for the love of god...someone please tell whoever is still spewing out land before time movies to stop. for the love of all that is good in this world. stop. no more. singing, cuddling dinosaurs. c'mon son.....the herd is gathering.....
friends are good. we get it. three horns and long necks can play together...but do we 9 damn movies to get that point across????
when the hell do these guys finally go extinct????

let's just say that i received an award nomination letter for a president's scholar award from the univ. and let's just say, hypothetically, that i was feeling snarky and wanted to forward that letter, along with a sarcastic comment to a friend.


and let's just say that the comment looked something like this:
"that will look good on my application to borders, yes?"


and let's just say that instead of hitting forward i hit reply......

c is most likely not going to school again tomorrow and i have two classes back to back in the morning. he can't go to them. i have no sitter. i can't miss them again. and you know hubby can't stay home.

(&*$#(%*&($&%(*#$%&*((!!!*&$*&@(

on edit: my wonderful and sweet sister is coming early early early in the morning to bail me out. and all it is going to cost me is fixing her blog and having hubby paint her living room. hahahah

i have a bottle of pinot grigio, a corkscrew and a glass waiting for me on the counter.


if i am good and finish this last essay i can have some!


sad the self-bribery i have to resort to to get my ADD self to do anything any more. but then again....wine! woohoo!

on edit: done! now i have to decide between wine and nyquil.

new glasses apparently don't include "motivational get your ass in gear and write the essay" option.

if it's going to snow it has to snow enough to cancel my school...not just delay it while the boys get a snow day.

do a little snow dance for me, k?

the snow dance of mid-term avoidance...

on edit: thank you to everyone for your extremely effective dancin' and shakin'....no school and a take home mid-term! whew!

f-ing school.

monday, barely a damn dusting and there is a delay.

today? snow covered roads, kids have no school. but me? oh no. f-ing school is open. and you know i am going to drive my "stayed up to late with friends" ass over there and there will either be no class or no test.

(*$*%(&&$^#%%#&

oh, and let's top the morning off with the fact that the charger for my laptop died.

*grumbles even more*

grrrrrrrrr

my early class was cancelled and i just completely geeked out. i completely forgot that i had a 9:45 class this morning.

i just didn't show up.

imagine my surprise when the prof contacted me! you know, the pointy pedantic professor who already dislikes me...

i have never done that. ever. blow off a class intentionally, sure. but just forget. gah. i am so out of it this week i have no idea what day it is! please let the snow make today a "friday," 'k?

now i can't miss any more so there is no saving that absence for a beautiful spring day.

oh, and the midterm is next class so looks like the review will have to be solo.

hmmmm. well, the snow has started here (looks like a big storm) so i am blaming that. maybe it will snow enough to get me out of night class? (i didn't forget that one!)

surprisingly enough i did not get into princet0n.

no, i am not upset. i never thought that was a realistic possibility. but it is right around the corner and my mom made me swear i would apply. (yes, i am 36 an adult and my mother can guilt me into applying!)

i am much more concerned with the other schools on the list. so, now anything i hear could send me into huge emotional mood swings. be prepared. lol.

was going to stay home sick this morning til i checked the syllabus and realized i would have the chance to discuss nature vs nurture and the issue of hom0sexuality with a classroom of 18 yr olds. nothing like a good argument to start your morning.

i went to my final meeting as president of an english "club" (kind of an ambiguously defined writing/reading group).

i have been trying for a two years to make something happen. we have had shoddy turn-outs for any attempts at events. they would have to work up to apathetic.

there has been much whining and complaining about the lack of activities. but when we schedule activities, that they chose, no one bothers to show. fine. i give up.

so the advisor (the professor previously known as the fraggle) and i show up and chit chat. and we wait. and wait. and, yes, you guessed it, wait.

no one. well, seems appropriate that we go out with a whimper. they were complaining about the direction and we set this up so that anyone interested in taking over could come in and they could decide on new leadership (as i am finally graduating!!).

no. one.

not. one. f-ing person. so we voted to give all of our funding for speakers to the gender studies program. we both thought that that was the best use of the money anyway and now we don't have to vote.

i love that they are all very willing to criticize and complain and say how they would do a much better job. and then when it is time to step up to the plate...

just me and wembly hanging out down at fraggle rock. *clap clap* down at fraggle rock.

i have come to a place where i have intense feelings about my thesis for the research grant. i hate it. i loathe it. i detest it.

this presents a problem. in general i have raised procrastination to an art form to be looked at with awe. i have perfected my craft. and this is when i don't mind the project.

i don't mind the topic specifically, just the way that i proposed approaching it. i thought i was clever combining two discourses.

now what? my plan is to continue the research and hope that something springs from the pages, bites me in the ass and screams, "over here! right here is the perfect thesis and i have been here all along while you were dilly-dallying and lollygagging about!"

it might work. or i might become world renown for my procrastinating.

the pointy professor, you know the one, the one who gives me no end of trouble, wastes senior seminar class time teaching things like alliteration and the proper way to write a works cited page...

anyway, this woman who made my life a living hell for two semesters stops me after class this morning and says, "it is obvious to me after this morning's class that you have chosen to go into the right field."

huh??

"i can tell that you not only understand the criticism we were discussing but you also were ready to disprove it using textual evidence and other critical essays. your enthusiasm helped further discussion. you are going to do well in grad school."

then she bobbed her bobble-head up and down, laughed from her position of pointiness and talked to herself down the hallway.

hey, i will take it where i can get it. even from crazy professors.

monday, and as usual, it comes too early.


monday is my crazy day of running from classes to meetings to rehearsals to kid chaufering...
but today is a little different. besides being valentine's day (which we acknowledge with a smile and a kiss and then resume our normal routines) it is the last reception that i will be in charge of for the school's literary magazine. i have been editor for 2 years and working on the editorial staff for 4. the first few were fun, when my best buddy was still there to mock the pitiful entries and have late night martini filled editing sessions. word to the wise, copy editing and martinis aren't the best mix if you are looking for accuracy. and apparently my proofreading skills leave a bit to be desired anyway


but i am finished now. i won't do this in grad school. part of me will miss it. i will miss working with my sarcastic, snarky advisor. but i am ready to get out of there.


so, tonight is the last one. done. finished. and you know what? i didn't submit anything and i am not reading. lol. way to go out with a bang!

i have stopped banging my head on the desk but only because it hurts!
still walking around mumbling "stupidass imbecilic moronic jackass! how could i do such a stupid thing?? how could i be so damn stupid??? not like everything was riding on it or anything?? now i am going to wind up in an alley drinking from a paper bag, peeing myself, wearing men's shoes and talking to squirrels!!" (and variations on a theme. i am very creative when beating myself up.)


am thinking about actually getting up and moving to take a shower but afraid i would bungle the "lather rinse repeat" directions.
ugh.
(i'll be done moping eventually, i promise)


and let's top this off with an afternoon of single parenting and visiting my mom. banging my head on the desk is starting to look like an apealing option.

i will just sit here repeatedly thumping my head on the desk for a bit.


just opened the file with my personal statement for grad school. i thought i would reread it now that i have some distance, a little perspective. there's a f*cking typo! that's right, the personal statement that i worked and worked and worked on. the one i proofread a gajillion times and handed to profs, etc. the one i checked over until my eyes bled.
and it isn't a little one. it's huge. and it looks as if i don't know what tense of the word to use when in reality it's a typo. and it's in the opening paragraph. and i think i am going to cry for a couple of hours.


*bangs head again*
big dumb ass stupidhead

no, not for the kids. i have caved to the pressure of family and am having a senior portrait taken. (i'll wait 'til you are done laughing.)

*taps fingers patiently*

k?
i am hoping that they can capture that "kids are making me crazy and do you know how much work i have to do this weekend?" look. should be good.


getting a pass this weekend so that i can spend saturday locked in princeton's library. if you have to be stuck in one, that one's not bad. and since the resources at ours are pitiful, that's where i am headed. but why do they have to shelve the medieval books in the third subfloor of the basement where the flourescent lights flicker eerily in a spooky bates' motel kind of way and you are sure the rolling stacks are going to crush you and no one will find you for weeks? hmm. that might just be me, huh?


tgif anyway!

i hate when i get so angry that i get all teary. i hate letting people see that.


and you know what comes after that? my wicked temper. and you know who got a taste of that this afternoon? the dean of liberal arts and sciences. that should go well, yes?


after trying for 2 weeks to cut through all the red tape and bs needed to register in my advanced study (i was bounced from dept chair to dept chair while they all stared blankly at me in a "we don't handle that" kind of way) this bitch told me it was "simply too late" to sign in.
calmly i explained that this wasn't a class but an independent research project that was a continuation of last semester's study and a part of the research grant that the college awarded me. work is already in progress, it wouldn't be disruptive to any students, etc.
she asked me when the form was signed.
"friday after you were closed," i answered, still fairly calm.
"well, why didn't you come in 'til today?" she asked without making eye contact and between clenched teeth.
"i was in here both tuesday and wednesday, but the first day no one was available and the second i waited for 45 minutes and then could not wait longer since i had to pick my son up from school. i signed in both times so there is a record of my being here."
she just stared icily at me and said,"there's no date on this paper (the one from the department chair) so i can't let you sign in and it is just too late."
i didn't have a fucking thing to do with that paper. i wrote the proposal (on time), was awarded the grant, sent the paperwork where they told me to and after it bounced around for two weeks was told that it's too late.


my hands started shaking and my eyes teared up, which makes me even angrier, and i said, "never mind. i will not take the course. i will graduate without it and i don't need you to do it."
i carefully removed the paper from her clenched fingers (ok, maybe not so carefully) and quietly turned and walked away (ok, and maybe said a tad sarcastically, "thank you for your overwhelming help and understanding." and slammed the door)


grrrrrrr. i am still fuming and formulating the many ways to punish her when i am rich and famous and they are begging me to speak at some gathering or to donate some of my millions to the school. bitch.

i was sitting in my brit lit. yes, i am already feeling a bit snarky, it's in the air. we are reading second class citizen so bring on the anticipated questions of gender, socio-economic standing, race, language, etc.


class is puttering by (this professor has no idea how to engage students). and then an interesting thing happens. argument.


not just argument, but revenge inspired argument. there are two students in the class that feel compelled to speak, no lecture, ad nauseum, throughout the class. all day, every day. and today...they were wrong. blatantly wrong in a "please stop it's painful" kind of way. so the arguments begin and the class gets exciting and out of the control of the pointy professor and then over my left shoulder i hear:


"oooh! ooh! me! call on me! i have a point! oooh! oooh! ooh!"


by the time we got to him we were laughing so hard we couldn't hear his incredibly off-topic and nonsensical point. but honestly, when was the last time someone "oooh'd" in class?

i just spent a couple of hours working on an annotated bibliography, requesting inter-library loans (our resources are pitiful) and generally prepping to get into serious research mode. yes, it is just creative, organizational procrastinating, but at least i am feeling a little inspired to work on this thesis.


i was beginning to loathe the topic for this research grant. not good. see when they give you money....they actually expect you to produce. who would have thought?


now i think i need a trip to staples. what is research without colored post-its, new files and new pens?


and to show that i am not neglecting the education of the kids:
c asked me what the superbowl was. i told him, "well, it's like the world series, but lame and with football. but there are always a lot of snacks."
c is sold. snacks are good.

wow! if i dont get into grad school i can always do this...

(as found in my junkmail this morning):

jiggety jig

looks like another day at home with c. no exam today so i am missing two classes. one is not a big deal, the other is a little more touchy. i hate missing them this early in the semester.

ah, the joys of parenting and going to school.

and now off to wake j and begin the dance of the "i don't wannas." it's an entertaining piece with audience participation in a kind of call and response form. "i don't wanna" is followed by "that's just too bad." then there is a tango in which the audience wins shoving the performer out the damn door and onto the bus.

aren't mornings fun??

every semester i hold out for the one class. the one that gets me excited about being there. the one that makes me want to research, write, dive in.


i should have known which it would be. 20th c Brit Lit? doubtful. i am taking it with that professor--the one that inspired so many wonderful rants last semester. sociology? nah. while i will enjoy egging on the 18 year olds and find the topic interesting, it just isn't me. senior seminar in music? now this could have been. but the truth is that i went to a music school the first time around and i have already covered anything they teach here.

so what is it? what makes me happy and fired up and want to argue and want to research? medieval lit. yes, i know, i took this before. and yes, i know, it better be the one that gets me all charged up since i just applied for six more years of graduate school in the field. but somehow it snuck up on me.


i am only auditing the class. it's part of my advanced study/research grant. i am going to be teaching a few classes (wife of bath and miller's tale!) and learning how to make a syllabus, prepare for class, etc. but more importantly i am brushing up on old and middle english and remembering just why i chose to study what i did.


ooofah. give me a kiwi and a pile of musty manuscripts and i am one happy gal. (ummm. yes, my favorite kiwi prof. teaches this course)

just checked a few "status" pages on the schools i applied to. it seems that some will be making a decision as early as feb 5. feb 5.


they also said it could be as late as march 15. any bets on when i will hear? my stomach is in knots and i just want to know. but not if it's bad. of course if it's good, then could i hear from all of them?


i am also wondering if i could be more neurotic about all of this? i know what school i think is the best fit for me. i know which would be the most prestigious. i know which might give me the best connections. and right now.....i just want to know where i will be this time next year. and it would be a bonus plan if i could make choices.


oh, and i would like to think it doesn't include asking you if you would like fries with that.


but feb 5? that's next week. next friggin' week
what if they say no? or holy hell, what if they say yes? i am not sure which is more nervewracking.

ungh. that was an exercise in humility. and the stunning part?? my quantitative score was only 10 points lower than the verbal. either i am a good guesser or my verbal sucked as well.

well, here's to never having to take those damn tests again. three and a half hours of sheer hell. but it's done and it's over.

stupid test.

putting on the tunes and doing up the tree. sounds like a much better way to spend my time. wonder if i will get graded on this as well.

*a little dance of joy*

last paper done, and with an hour to spare.

i am giddy and doing a little jig. it's a sight, really.

i did it. 5 out of 7 applications are completely sent out. the other two aren't due for a month, but they will go out later this week.

phew.

now i guess i wait. and wait. ummm, was that enough waiting? couldn't it be like when they put your credit card through at the store...

processing....processing.....APPROVED

that would work for me. handing those apps over to the oh-so-competent post office worker was a bit nerve wracking. can't turn back now. wonder when that fry school deadline is???

last week of school nonsense and then on to christmas. ho ho ho.

well, i am finally all caught up. no, that doesn't exactly mean that i have no papers left, but it means that the pressure is off a little and the next one isn't due until wednesday.

i am just not sure where i lost five hours! someone must have pushed the clocks ahead, right? and why are my poor hands a cramped up and gnarled into aching knots? i need to blog more to keep those typing muscles in shape. lol.

tomorrow -- emergency "babysitter that has never been here before" cleaning followed by holiday dinner cruise (yes, girl clothes again!)

and sunday....WICKED! it's time to defy gravity!

i thought i would take a leisurely morning off from writing since i am ahead of schedule and yet here i sit banging out a couple of papers and revising my writing sample. i must be sick.

oh, and guess what? pointy pedantic bitch gave me 29 out of 30 on that final paper. guess staying up late wasn't such a bad idea after all. now no matter how much she wants to, the lowest grade she can give me is a B+. not great, but she mathematically can't do any more damage than that. HA!

still trying to trim a 22 page paper down to 8-10. kind of like trying to lose another 10lbs before christmas. hahahahahahahaha!

3918 words to go. see? i started the paper!

concert went well. no major trainwrecks and i always enjoy playing with the dixie group even if the only jazz instrument i can manage is spoons. (and ouch! my legs are bruised!) a few christmas tunes, a few marches, i can play that concert in my sleep.

ooh, one little incident. we were about to stand to play a small trio for flute. a little christmasy thing, nothing fancy. so i look over at the two players next to me. yes, they are younger, young enough that they don't remember the 80s. gah! anyway, the one girl has a look of fear in her eyes. i figure it's nerves. i have been playing concerts longer than she's been alive. i am long past nerves, so i make a few witty and clever jokes. doesn't help.
then i see something glittering near the mouthpiece of her flute. something silver and dangly.
seems she has caught her earring on the lip plate of her flute (can't wait to see the google hits for that!) anyway, she can't get it unhooked so now she is kind of tied to her flute with her head tilted at an odd angle and looking at us, pleading for help.
what do we do? oh yeah. giggle. giggle like a little girl at a pajama party.
never fear. we saved her and the trio went on without a hitch. but hey, it was interesting for a few minutes there.

so i am home.
caffeine....check
endless supply of tunes...check
kids in bed....check...no wait....ok check...oh damn....ok CHECK, i said CHECK!

i am hoping for 8 pages tonight and then 8 pages in the morning. i have til 12:45 to get this baby done.

i just keep telling myself that the reward for this is never seeing that woman again. i may write extra!

nothing tops off a humiliating crying jag in front of an advisor like being caught in the rain without an umbrella.

yup, feels like a monday.

i am on to them now. i have it all figured out. it only took me an hour and a half of phone calls and automated answering systems.

the true test of the GRE general test isn't the test itself. they don't care if you are proficient in language or math.

the true test is whether or not you can successfully schedule the damn test.

operator 1 (reached after a labyrinth of automated messages assuring me of the ease of online registration. had i not thought of that? gee golly gee whiz. why don't i register online? well, bob, it's because the damn site doesn't work. that's why. because it just keeps asking me what country, over and over and over and over....) oh, where was i?

operator 1: have you taken the test in the last month?
me: no, only the subject test
operator 1: then you need to call 866 blah blah blah

grrr

automaton 1: if you are calling from the us, please hang up and call our 866 number (repeat ad nauseum)

ummm, that's the number i am calling.

call back original number. same result, bitchy operator.

call back second number. funny man with sense of humor who thinks i may kill him when he tells me to call the original number again, ask for someone who understands english and speak slowly.

hahha

finally. success. oh, and then it cost me $115. all for the pleasure of another ego tromping frolick in the world of the GREs.

why can't that be on the exam? i would rock that one.

i gave up on sleeping a little while ago. gah. i can't lie there stressing any longer.
i am outta here in half an hour.

it's so eerie and quiet without the boys around. my mom took them overnight. hope she isn't tied to a chair somewhere. hahaha. no, i am sure they were very well behaved and polite. hahhahahaha.

so no more studying. i can't cram any more. just hoping for a few questions i know and a few that i can guess. oh, and not to throw up on the exam proctor. that would be cool.

full out panic mode now.

just me, norton's anthology of english lit, practice tests, and a huge ass bowl of chocolate, chocolate almond ice cream.

have you seen that countdown????

perhaps small men who are wearing the same scoop-neck purple sweater vest for the fourth week in a row should not mock others? hmmm.

and perhaps small-minded, egotistical, condescending failed artists shouldn't grade essays according to how many sentences there are and/or if people used words that small brained professors had to look up in a dusty dictionary that they haven't seen in years.

and perhaps little gray haired men who slurp and chew while they are teaching by slideshow and video tape should just assign papers if they feel the urge instead of creating a bullshit need for extra credit by grading without any basis in reality.

wanna guess who got a B+ on a midterm?

vodka martini please. shaken, not stirred with a cherry instead of an olive. hey! it's my drink. leave me alone. i am in no mood for nasty olives this evening.

that research grant i was awarded...apparently they actually want me to do some. and to have some proof of this research by let's say.....wednesdsay. argh.

i am feeling like professor krippendorf. haha. anyone wanna come over and make our own tribe? ok, shoot me, it's a cheesy movie but i liked it.

so tomorrow i have to really break down and write this annotated bibliography and a rough outline and progress report. oh yeah, and study for those pesky GREs.

on the bright side: classes for the afternoon were cancelled.

on the down side: the truck is still broken so i am relatively carless.

i suppose i could pretend that i will work here, but really, with so much fun stuff to play with here i am not going to do much besides wander aimlessly around online and watch tivo. i have no willpower. i am weak.

but i was actually productive today. not productive in a "doing that paper that is a bit overdue" kind of way, but more in a "getting that grad school stuff done so i don't wind up at fry guy school" kind of way.

i finished my cv!!! it still needs some tweaking, but without telling tall tales and little white lies, it looks halfway decent.

next up: the dreaded personal statement.

i had a meeting with "he who used to be known as the fraggle" today and for the first time i felt like i had some idea of what to write and how to approach it. it seems do-able. almost.

as a reward for my spiffy new cv and my GRE studying extraordinaire i am going to take a hot bath and curl up in my jammies and watch some tv.

i may just go to grad school yet. so there!

because you just don't hear this everyday in class:

"no, you're wrong. you can't have it your way.

milton isn't fucking burger king."

ok kids, personal essay time.

i am actually working on grad school apps this morning. seems they all want some form of personal statement, a "what i want to be when i grow up is..." kind of thing.

maybe i am not approaching this in the proper mindset. see, i know from friends who used to sit on admissions boards that you can't write anything like "i have always enjoyed literature" or "i have always been a voracious reader" or anything even close to that. nothing along the lines of "i want to help share my love of reading." they will throw your essay away or pin it to the wall for laughs later on.

so where does that leave me? so far i have only written three very sarcastic paragraphs about grad school at least being better than PTA meetings or working at the GAP. hahaha. i may have to start this one over.

ok, t.s. eliot and i have a date and then it's back to GRE prep. good thing that yankee loss is still keeping me in high spirits so this ego thwacking isn't bringing me down.

go sox!

so i have been having a decent day. even though most of my morning was consumed by a two hour nap...i still got a lot done and made it ontime to class for an ego bruising midterm result. not too worried since my suck-ass grade was the highest in the class.

but tonight is art history. the never ending, mind numbing, clock stopping world of the ancient greeks. interesting? for a few hours. but folks we are rounding 15 hours on the same crap!!

so i spend most of my afternoon creating imaginative excuses for not going. i know won't use them. i will trudge off all caffeinated and hope i make it through.

head still hurts. but it's not necessarily a bad thing. whenever i bump it or lean back on something i am reminded that i had fun last night. really real fun. so maybe i will just keep thwacking my head against the wall tonight in class. maybe that will do it.

or maybe you will find me unconscious and lying in a puddle of drool with a concussion in the morning. footprints crossing over me, handouts littered around the floor, pictures of the parthenon scattered about...

i really meant to write those summaries. honest. but it was so nice out. it's fall out there. there are leaves and pumpkins and ghoulies at fright fest. i don't see how anyone can be expected to be writing analysis and criticism.

i'll do some in the morning. really.

right now i am going to curl up under clean sheets and fluffy blankets and fling the windows open.

just have to wait til hubby is sleeping. it's the "it's too hot/cold" battle of fall. thing is...i always win. all i have to do is wait til he is sleeping and open 'em up. c'mon, who doesn't love a cool fall night and warm soft blankets?

turns out i like milton. yeah, i know. i grumble and complain. but i like any class that finishes before we are done arguing instead of while i am staring at my watch. and any class with a professor who can get you so involved and charged up that you think doing a paper would be fun.

but...to get to milton i need to sit through intro to politics. quietly. in disgust. rolling my eyes til they ache.

and it's monday. gloomy, rainy, gray monday.

and i would like to do like my kids this morning and sprawl on the couch and whine that i don't wanna go and i just wanna stay home and it isn't fair that it is a school day. of course, it won't work for me either, but it's worth a shot!

hubby is off to ireland. day one of the single parent fiasco is underway.

ok, i studied for a while, honest.

but what would you rather look at?

this, icky ol' milton or this, hot and sexy yet very bad vampire

see ya milton ;)

dean's list i tell ya. heading right for the dean's list. lol

what does it say about my study habits that i am blotting red wine off my milton text?

and what does it say about my sad life that i was really grateful that the wine missed my chaucer book and only got milton?

yup, fun all around tonight.

or: stress and the pedantic pointy professor

let's start with c's school:
to the idiot in the white truck. see those cars all lined up with people in them. waiting. in line. you don't get out to chit chat, holding up traffic and then wave your arms around a glare when your big ass truck gets blocked in by people who were able to read the damn color coded map and instructions they sent you. oh, and you are not special and are not permitted to hold us all up to make an illegal left turn. go ahead and try me again. i dare you.

to the safety patrol mom with the pretty new traffic pin. get the hell over yourself. honestly. no one was running in the hallway, or using their outdoor voice indoors, and scurrying up and down the line of cars filled with impatient (and now slightly aggravated) people and asking them to scooch up a bit will not make anyone happy. were you trained in car line management? have you spent years learning the age old art of " 'mon back"? where the hell were you when white truck bit was dilly dallying about blocking up the works? again. go ahead. make the cute little scoochy scoochy gesture at me again. dare ya.

now on to my day.

on the first full day of classes, the day most people finally meander to campus and buy books, the damned financial office should not shut down for two hours for lunch instead of, oh i don't know, handing out the damn book vouchers. brilliant plan there. oh and most of you don't need any more lunch. honest.

and now to my favorite of the day. class with professor pointy. yes, i know, i am prejudiced
but let's just cover a few points from class:

- this is an upper level class, if you can't read poetry without stopping at the end of every damn line please leave. take your sorry ass back to eng 101 and learn to read. and while i love dr suess as much as the next person please stop reading all things in iambic tetrameter as if they should go "i would not could not with a mouse, i would not could not in a house."

- also in the "this is an upper level course" rant. if you don't know what alliteration and assonance are....move quietly to the science building. we won't tell anyone that you made a huge mistake. really.

- it is not insightful in the least to notice that winter = death or the end of life. holy crap! how did you come to that conclusion. was it the metaphor with the coffin? grrrrr.

- pointy professor is a name caller. not in a "nanananana you're a buttmonkey" kind of way. i could kind of get behind that, especially with the wit and wisdom brewing that class. but more of a "let's see who i want to answer this question *peruses the attendance list* oh here's a good name" kind of way. are we 5? can we just have a discussion.

we are going to spend a class on how to use parenthetical citations. again, please step to the end of the line, go back to freshman comp and stop pissing me off. i am off to read a few pages so that we can have a witty discussion again tomorrow.

so, one more year of dear ol' rider. i am dreading this semester. usually i am happily stacking notebooks, sniffing pencils, ordering beautiful pens and accessories that i can't afford and can't live without. but this semester is completely different.

i have to really know what i am going to be when i grow up. i have to know it. know it and convince people to use their money to pay for me to be it. and there are applications and tests. and mostly i have this "dear god what if i don't graduate" feeling countered with the "dear god what if i do graduate?" feeling. i'm not 18 anymore. and this age thing is rapidly getting ready to change again. just a little panicky that i may have schmoozed my way through at rider but at a real school someone is going to tap me on the shoulder and say "just kidding. you didn't think you were really going to go here? hahahahhaha"

not self pity. just irrational fear. i am entitled once in a while i think. every now and then i think i should just give up and be a stepford mom, you know, with the novelty sweaters and the minivan and the perky little attitude. but really? i am far from perky (hello? that age thing again)...and not exactly a people person.

so, off to my first day of school. and at least there was good news in the confidence department. guess how much i owe after my little fight with financial aid? nothing! nadda! zippo. finally they recognize my genius and pay my way. or something like that. or maybe it's that oldest student award ;)

now i just need a pedicure, a haircut and some new back to school goodies to get me in the scholarly mood. aw, c'mon..what's the first day of school without a few new things?

oh, want a school picture?

*general grade whining to follow*

ok, that's two semesters in a row. and no matter how much i stomped about last time, i knew that it was my fault. i was hurt and angry that it came from someone i respected, but i knew where the blame was.

not this time.

a B+?!?!?!?

sonofabitchinteethclenchinbigotasshatsmellybuttgoatsucker!!

my astronomy professor gave me a B+

i hate this man. he should never teach again. and not because of this (although i am adding it to my list ;) ) but because he is a terrible teacher and a small minded bigot. telling a classroom full of people that transexuals are a different species than humans, that if they allow same sex marriage they are soon going to allow people to marry animals, this man is an ass. so now what? do i file a complaint? do i come off as one of the multitudes of grade whiners? i don't know. i know he had no predetermined plan for grading. two quizzes and a paper all semester, that was it. and when i asked how much the paper was worth he said he wasn't really sure yet. argh! i have enough credits at this point that overall it doesn't hurt my GPA, but with apps going in next semester i would rather not have it there glaring.

right now i am just mulling it over. i got an A in the other five. (or at least in four and i am fairly certain of the fifth). just pissed. i went to class. i didn't cheat (and i was one of the few who didn't in that class) i am not saying that makes me better. at this point i am wondering why i didn't. he knew and didn't care and my grade suffered because i didn't. just pissed off.

i will ask around and see if it is worth my trouble to do anything, if it will make any difference. if nothing else, maybe he can be stopped from teaching again. he is only an adjunct so there is hope.

ok, done now.

wait....B+?!?!?!

ok. now i am done.

grades folks...they are comin' in slowly but surely and my medieval philosophy grade just posted today..

*doin' a happy little dance*

A!!!

that's 4 definites out of 6. still gearing up for my battle with the asshat astronomy prof, but for tonight this is good news.

i need to go resume the happy dance :)

still hasn't sunk in yet. i still feel the pressure of "what do i have due tomorrow??" hanging over my head. but i am finished.

this semester was tough, but i will miss the snarky back corner of 18th c lit, my ind study/duet playing sessions with j, and yes, even backhair guy. i will not miss teeth clamping ignorant astronomy guy, but hey, every semester has at least one you would like to forget.

i am now officially worried about applications and tests. but i am going to take a week or two off to relax and play and read something just for fun!

and i am going to go sip a smirnoff twisted green apple and listen to the mets.
it's summer for me.

so, two finals down, one to go. so far so good, but i am tired, brain fried and for some reason an emotional mess.

after tomorrow's medieval philosophy final i am done.

but then it's summer.

while i am not a 9-5 gal (and never would survive that!) i also don't do well with no schedule at all. luckily there are vacations to go on, research to do, and ack! GREs to take.

off to watch the end of friends.

...he has a good sense of humor.

i started my paper. i have decided on the title early, which is unusual for me.

Chaucer’s Treatise on the Astrolabe: or Astronomy 101: When Am I Ever Going to Use This?

how much worse could it get?

on edit: note to self...nyquil and papers don't mix!

and it isn't even due for another...ummm...9 hours.

ok, i have to read it over and proof it in the morning to make sure it makes any sense at all. i think at one point i might have been quoting futurama. lol.

off to sleep.

as if any was needed.

i get absolutely giddy when i see this subject line in my inbox:

"The April issue of The Vocabula Review is now online"

that's right kids, etymology, grammar, and other goodies are enough to have me avoiding my paper for another hour or so (as if i needed any help!)

and, yes, although it isn't readily apparent here, i actually do love this stuff.

go on and have a peek if you want

so i have been doing some reserach. as it stands these are the choices. some realistic, some crazy, some i will eliminate before all is said and done:

lol. you know what rocks? reading a letter of recommendation from someone who makes you sound a whole lot better than you are.

aw. i guess threats work. ;) that letter makes them look like they be fools not to choose me. now i just have to write up the 5 page proposal to go with it. eek!

so there! i win again. i have all the classes i need and it's all set in writing. whew!

call off the police watch and you can stop collecting money for bail...i won't be getting in any more trouble this week.

went to an interesting lecture this afternoon. film studies. spike lee. she was a decent speaker, but i came away thinking that someone should do a paper investigating the connection between the scores and settings in his films. not me of course :) but someone.

curling up with the boys and watching brother bear tonight while hubby is at a meeting. cleaning can wait til tomorrow.

so there. i went and begged and pleaded and stomped and whined and now i am allowed to take a freshman course.

was that so hard? is it so hard to be flexible? sheesh.

now i have only one more battle and i win this semester's registration brawl.

i would like to register for classes just one time and have it go smoothly.

this time. i am down to my last two core requirements. yes, i put them off, but lit classes always looked so much better :)

anyway, knowing that next year is my last year at rider (insert little happy dance here) i buckle down and register for the remaining core. at least, that is what i try to do.

it appears that these classes are not open to seniors what the hell is that about??? how am i supposed to graduate if the last two courses i need aren't open to seniors??? holy shit. could there be a more ridiculous friggin rule? i can see restricting classes from freshman to allow upperclassmen access or if there are prerequisites, but just no seniors??

motherfrigginasshatsonofadonkeylovinbuttmuncher!!

i need to get out of this school. right friggin now.

is it my fault that the library is wireless??

or that i have to kill two hours here before a meeting??

certainly i can't be expected to work the entire time! lol

ok, i am getting some things done. not much. but looking at the topic is a good idea, dontcha think? it's only a 1200 word paper. not bad. i can do this.

meeting tonight. actually less of a meeting and more of a pizza/film fest in the series we created called "when bad films happen to good literature."

tonight - the jury is out on which was more frightening. the audience or the film.

but let's start at the beginning....

ok, just with one. but it is the one that will get me a martini and a movie this evening and i might point out that i am done almost 5 hours before it is due. that is a new record.

so now i am still letting the babysitter come over so that i can get a shower and run to the store without the company of my monsters darling little children. such a good mom aren't i??

a portfolio, cover letter and etymology paper left to go today and then only one more lit paper and it is over. overrrrrr......bwahahahahahah!!!

it's that time of the semester again. where they try and thin out the classes by scaring the bejeezus out of everyone with terrifying workloads.

sometimes it almost works.

i am most definitely not going to sign up for the overload course this week. nope nope nope.

my favorite teachers are the toughest ones. the ones that push the hardest. but every semester about this time i wonder how i am ever going to be able to do what they are asking me. and this one isn't going to be any different. this is, by far, the most writing that i am ever going to be expected to do. oodles. tons.

so don't look for me this weekend. i will have my head buried in a book. and i will be writing.

first task. two page description of a still object. the catch...i am not allowed to use any adjectives or adverbs. eek!

(ok, and now i have the schoolhouse rock songs in my head again....

lolly lolly lolly get your adverbs here.....

so i unpacked my adjectives......

and just for good measure:

conjunction junction what's your function.....

i'm just a bill, yeah, i'm only a bill, and i'm sitting here on capital hill....
(i know that isn't one of the grammar rock ones, but that bill is just too darn cute.)

back to books....

sorry. nope. not going to do it.

i haven't had a first day of school picture in 17 years a really long time and i am not turning back now!

but, because you are all anxiously waiting - i will give you the official "i am back in classes" update.

short version -

the fraggle got his haircut and is oodles of non-pc fun.

i am extremely fired up about my night course

i don't dance. nope. i trip. i bumble. i step on the occasional toe. but no one has ever confused it with dancing.

don't fret kids - there's a long version . lol

i know the paper took forever, but you would think that from someone who considers himself my mentor/friend that a little "thanks. i got it" email might be in order. something. anything.

geez.

that's right folks, the paper you are all tired of hearing me bitch about is now out of my hands and off to be torn apart with all the smirky smarmy smugness he can manage. at least it is done. it was 22 minutes late. sue me.

i have never agonized so much over a paper. i couldn't get past the fact that it was for the teacher whose opinion means the most to me. i chose a crappy topic and out of sheer stubborness stuck with it and didn't ask for help.

this evening i was even questioning my decision to be an english major. thanks to lara for putting up with my whining all night as i pounded my head against the desk. i have cried and yelled and quit and started over so many times tonight that i am exhausted.

but now i have time for fun summer projects!! i am too tired to sleep and feel like the weight of the world (or at least mo vaughn) has been lifted off my shoulders.

papers should never be due when there are day games on tv!! bright sun, green field, hot men playing baseball, how is this fair?
well, i guess i have to have some priorities...

game is tied at 2-2. lol.

*yawn*
mostly done. everything that is due today is finished and i have studied for today's final until my brain turned to jello.
my first time round in college some **** years ago i never bothered to study. i would watch everyone else scurrying around with books and just laugh. of course, it might explain why i didn't graduate that time. but since i am putting in an honest effort here....man am i tired!!
i have also decided to beg for an incomplete in one of my classes which will give me a bit of time after the trip to write a paper. he may say no. then he gets the crap i am writing now. but i could do a much better job with a little more time and a little less pressure. that isn't too lame, right? right? (feeling like a bit of a loser for asking for the incomplete...sigh)
need to get the kids off to school. first final today...no more french. j'ai fini!

friggin fracking f-in....urgh.
the last thing i felt like doing was trecking over to campus to pick up a book that i forgot. grrrr. i swear even when i try to do work......

crunch time. i am going to campus and leaving the wireless card home. well, at least not plugging it in until i am done.
i was hoping for a warm sunny day so that i could sit outside and work, but i am going to have to settle for the library.
then a quick read through ginsberg and i will have gotten through everything in time.
two weeks from today i get on a plane to kalamazoo!

...or started.

I added/deleted a bunch of links on my blogroll. I figure when I am kicked out of school for not even attempting to work on my paper...I can still read these!

i know i shouldn't be complaining, this is most likely going to be my favorite class this semester, but it is also going to be the one i struggle the most with. i want to write something witty and insightful that will show that i am capable of independent critical thought....
all i can come up with is,"why do i have to write 500 words on something that is barely that long?"
wishing i could choose one of the other assignments. of course, i musn't be the only one. assignment is due by midnight and there aren't any posted yet.
someone has to go first...someone?...anyone?
geez. it's probably gonna be me.

on edit: yup, it was me. maybe at least i get some kind of geek credit for being brave enough to screw up first! sure, that's what'll happen.