and straight on 'til morning. That's the way to Neverland, right? No, not the scary ranch but the place where you don't have to grow up. Because right now I am having some difficulty with deciding what to do when I grow up.

I am not registered for classes yet. Here's what I do know. I am not going to Grad School where I was...this semester. I don't know much other than that. I still have two incompletes to tackle and my feeling is that if I can't get through them then maybe I am at the wrong place or choosing the wrong path...I just don't know.

It's not that it isn't a good school. It's a good school. It's a good program. I just don't seem to fit well there. To begin with it's a five hour round trip commute. Even when I am getting tons of support at home (and let's face it, that's not always the case) it just sucks up a whole day for even one class. That's difficult when I have two school age kids and one with special needs. Impossible? No. But when I am already feeling like I am floundering it doesn't help.

When I try and imagine what I want to do when I grow up I really don't waver. I am just tired of jumping through the damn hoops to get there. I am tired of looking at course offerings that don't excite me in the least only to register for classes with apathetic students. It isn't too difficult. It just isn't that engaging. Dreamworld, I guess. I thought I was going to be inspired and challenged and the only things that are challenged are my schedule and my finances.

I feel like a huge failure since I got just what I wanted, just what I had worked for and I hated it. Everyone keeps asking when I start this semester and I just ignore them.

So what now? Well, I am headed over to Undergrad campus to see if there are any jobs for someone with a BA in English and Music (labwork, tutoring, library, etc.) and to check into their program for a Masters in Education. Yeah, HS teaching. Not what I was aiming for but maybe it's something I can do. I need to be on the kids' schedules and I just don't know how else to do that.

I am really struggling with this and wake up every morning knowing that it is one day closer to class start and I will be left behind. I really don't know what to do. The debt is piling up and if I take time off I have to start paying back, you know, before I even have a job.

So, there it is. I suck as a grad student. Or at least it was a bad match. Now I just have to find out if it's grad school or just that grad school. Trouble is, until I finish those grades I can't do anything about it. Oh yeah, and I get my health insurance through the school so there goes that as well.

Just wallowing. Hopefully I will find out something useful from Undergrad school today.

I am sitting in the libary knocking out an abstract for a paper that is due this weekend. Is it done? No. Of course not. I have...an abstract. Almost.

Gah. I have lost the ability to write academic papers. Wouldn't it be so much easier if final assignments were blog entries?

I am trying to bang out these last two papers but I just can't seem to concentrate. I did actually make it out to the library but this library doesn't have the sources I need and moving to the other will waste too much time.

Procrastination rationalization.

I do, however, have a cute new pair of sandals and a sporty little pair of sneakers. :)

The papers are coming along just verrrrry, verrrrrry, s..l..o..w..l..y.

Where oh where are you paper writing fairy?

That plan to drive out to Kzoo? Not one of my more brilliant plans--I'll admit it. Way before the sun was awake I climbed into my car, all loaded up with music, books, cute black shoes and multiple conference outfit choices, and started on my journey. The thing is I am just not much of a morning person. So about an hour or two into the journey I wound up sleeping in a rest stop until the sun rose high enough to stop making me do that squinty thing with my eyes that makes me fall asleep. I am sure it was safe. What could be safer than a rest stop in Pennsyltucky? ;)

I leave at the crack of "why would anyone be up at this hour" on Friday morning for Kzoo.

I am not giving a paper. I am not chairing a panel.

People keep asking me why I am going out there. Kzoo was my first ever academic conference. It is the biggest one I have ever been to. It was the first conference I travelled to with a prof and the next year it was the first time that I ever travelled alone. I have been scared, overwhelmed, academically starstruck, inspired, lonely and amazed while in Kzoo.

But mostly I am going to remember why it is I am trudging through grad school. That seems to get lost sometimes and I want to get that academic inspiration feeling that I get after an interesting panel or schmoozing with other medievalists.

I have been thinking lately of changing to 18th century. I know, I know. But I want to head out to Kzoo and see if it still has the same kind of geeky thrill for me that it always had. I want to wander the booksellers and wish that I had unlimited funds and a means to carry all of those books home (and a single empty space on a bookshelf to store them!)

So I am doing all the necessary prepping (and primping and shopping) and I am driving out there all prepped with new music and books on CD and I can't wait to get there. No paper. No panel. Just me in Kzoo figuring things out.

Have I mentioned how I completely screwed up last semester? No? Well, I did--badly.

There was so much going on (things that I wasn't ready and still am not ready to blog about--thought I would vague that up a bit for you).

Guest lecturer this afternoon and our seminar has been granted a special discussion with the lecturer beforehand.

We were informed that the dress was formal since there was a reception afterwards. Formal? Really? So I asked about and discovered that they really only meant "grad school formal." You know...please shower, brush your hair, and don't wear jeans or anything crumpled from the hamper.

Ok, I can do that.

Grab a cute jacket and a pair of pants and we're good to go. But the shoes? I so want to wear cute shoes but because I will be trekking from one end of the city to the other not once but twice this afternoon I am going to have to go for practical over cute.

The sacrifices we make for higher education.

Or maybe this just means I need to go shoe shopping?

How did I think I was going to prioritize writing my presentation paper over having fun with Lara and enjoying the Spring weather? Maybe I can compromise and bring the reading to the park.

I have a feeling this is going to be a couple of late nights next week with energy drinks and jelly beans to stay awake.

I had these visions of using Spring break to get mountains of work done, organize the house, do some Spring cleaning, AND goof off and socialize. Bright sunny days are winning so far.

J's school cancelled. C's didn't. I am sure you can hear the choruses of "it's not fair" being sung at my house this morning.

I am thinking of joining in the singing.

Ice and slush--not too bad yet but it looks like it will get worse this afternoon. The catch? I have to leave at 10:00 to go to my 3:30 class.

So I am wondering how much of my decision is based on the weather and the possibility that c's school will close, how much is based on the hunch that they will cancel afternoon classes at univ. just as I arrive in the city, and how much is based on the "I don't wanna!" feeling I have going in relation to this semester.

45 minutes left to decide.

update: I'm not going in. I feel kind of lame about it but J is home with no school and I don't feel like making the commute to find out that class is cancelled. Not sure how this will go over with the profs. I guess I will see. I let them know that I wouldn't be there but I don't make excuses. I'm a big kid and these decisions are my own.

yet another update: Of course, since I decided not to go the sleet/rain has let up and the forecast has been adjusted to a much smaller storm. sigh. I am thinking that it looks like I am blowing off class as much as it feels like I am. Oh well, I will try and get some writing done this afternoon to make up for it. Really.

if it's going to snow, ice, sleet or hail please let it happen early enough to keep me from my commute.

i am not a mailman. i don't mind wimping out and staying home for bad weather.

i do mind tromping around from train to train in the slush and snow.

so whatever you do to help secure a snow day--special dance, inside-out pjs, lucky charms--i'd sure appreciate it tonight.

thanks.

not feeling particularly researchy these days. don't know why. maybe it's that my classes aren't really that challenging or engaging. one is fairly interesting, but the truth is i could skip most of the reading and it would go unnoticed. the other is mind-numbing and useless.

i am struggling to come up with two research projects that will get the writing juices flowing but as of now i am finding myself heading back into much too comfortable territory--areas i know i could churn out a decent paper that is little more than a rehashing of previous research. that isn't going to help anyone.

i will tuck into bed early and get some reading done tonight. who knows, maybe something will jump out at me. all of this apathy is making me wonder if it is me, the program, or just the combination of the two. how bad would it be to change schools mid-program? and ugh, do i want to go through the application process again? i am feeling that i will stick this out through the MA and then consider applying to other programs.

i think a little of this comes from the fact that i am ready to be teaching. i would like to just get to it at this point--a little comp class, a basic lit. survey, something that i know i could handle. next spring i get to enroll in the pedagogy class and after that i can teach at current grad school. we'll see how it goes.

i just feel like i am treading water a bit. i wanted lively, challenging classes full of discussion and debate and in my fantasy world (no, no that one!) that's what grad school was going to be. in the real world, not so much. in the real world grad school is just like undergrad but with more writing, smaller classes and no advisor.

not bad, just not what i had imagined.

two classes last night. the first, which is generally mind-numbing, was made even more painful by the professor's poor health. while i appreciate that he didn't want to cancel, there are times when it would be the much more humane thing to do.

the second, well, i will give you the second in teeny little bullet points (aren't you lucky?):

this seminar is roughly half undergrad. i didn't think this would be a problem but it is becoming increasingly annoying. we just aren't getting through the material because we are spending time on things that should be given coming into a seminar that will be focusing on satire. let's start with an understanding of the concept of satire. gah.

i love this prof and he has more patience than i could possibly muster with these people but the least they could do would be to show a little respect. packing up early? that's just not doing that.

classes:

first one: i like this class, really. but i want to love it. and i think the prof is nice but i need a lot of caffeine to get through. and he is, to put it as nicely as possible, a MUMBLER!!! he asks rambling, ambiguous questions that are barely discernable and then....if someone does brave an answer--ventures out there--he just stares ahead and makes no response. um. yeah. why would this encourage discussion? also, if you are going to ask that i do that much reading could we please, at least once, talk about the flippin' text??? i'm just sayin', your book is interesting, i'm sure, but you are mumbling (again!) and that glazed look we have should be a sign. if you want us to read that then assign that. the accent is charming but you are losing us quickly.


second class: i love this man. i love this class. everyone is engaged and getting something from the readings. he allows us to move the discussion in whatever direction it seems to be going without letting it devolve into a free for all. we are going to a conference and having an interesting speaker. loving this class.


strange man: about 30 minutes into my fun seminar last night (2 hour class) this strange man comes in, out of breath, and sits down. we don't remember him from last week, but since the semester is new we don't think too much of it. but he has no books. i mean nothing. not a pen. not a notebook. not a sheet of paper. nothing. and he keeps contributing strange unrelated anecdotes and quotes from magazines. very very odd man.


helpful note: when discussing classes with fellow grad students (who are also trapped in the same room for two consecutive classes!) look about the train platform first. because, and this is just a hint, if you don't look around i promise that you will be talking loudly and then you will have to wonder if the prof actually heard you since he will be standing. right. there. thankfully it was the one that we love and we were singing his praises. whew!


so happy it's the weekend and there is nothing stressful on the schedule.

for all the whining i may do about classes and school at times there are a lot of positives.

on a rainy, miserable day i get to climb back into bed under the covers with a good book and a cup of tea and call it "homework."

classes started for me last night. let's begin with the truly important parts--i found a good place to eat and read on campus! my on-campus days are about 12 hours long and last semester i hadn't found a place to grab a bite to eat (surrounding area is a little bit scary!!) so a place that has salads, wraps, sandwiches and pizza? heaven!


ok, on to the classes. i have two back to back courses without a break. this isn't a problem (especially now that i found food!) but due to some odd scheduling they are both in the same small, very warm, seminar room. all i can say is that i am glad the slower paced course is first or i might be nodding off.


the first one seems decent. we spent a better portion of it playing "place the accent." haven't pinned it down yet. i am hoping that this class picks up a bit--so far it's a little dry. there are some interesting texts on the syllabus but the assignments are a bit vague and strange. the prof has so many of the mannerisms of one of my favorite ever profs (and the exact same hands! i swear!) but pedagogically there are no similarities at all. i am still hoping for the best.


the second one i adore already. he feels like someone i have known forever already. he baits the class--a technique that i find amusing--and has a constant amused look about him. the texts are familiar to me but not so much that i will be bored. the class moves at a much faster pace and we are more engaged.


so far so good. i have a lot more work on my plate this semester but there is pizza too so it should balance out ;)


now i am off to prep the house. my mom is staying with the boys this weekend so sparky and i can go away. we are heading to the always tacky yet fun atlantic city to fritter away our time mocking the seniors and having some grown-up time. should be fun.


health update nonsense in the extended:

my french books came this afternoon. i picked up the two easy readers that julie recommended. i am getting started reading all about "marc et julie" those crazy students!

anyway, here's my thought. is anyone else having to work through their language requirements at this point? would anyone else want to trade simple emails in french for a little practice? you know, kind of like a pen pal but with fun gossip and poor syntax?

if anyone wants to give it a go, and doesn't mind the early stumblings as we work through my rusty basic skills, drop me an email me

yes, tales of the city are still coming. i have just been distracted by new gadgets, new books and boring housework. plus, i just sent sparky off on a plane to florida for the weekend so i am playing single parent for a few days.

after a long day in nyc with my mom (i will post all the details a bit later) i came home to find this semester's box o' books on the kitchen table.

woohoo! hooray! i love new book day. i love cracking their little book bindings and smelling their yummy new book smell and getting a excited about new classes.

so i carefully cut open the box and find descartes, st augustine, and a few others.

ummmmm. i took "swift and irish studies" and "turn of the century lit." where was gulliver's travels? where was war of the worlds? where are my gender theory books? yeah, they are somewhere in ny with sarah something-or-other and i have her box o' books.

phooey.

good thing that today i was declared both a world champion pole holder and a famous pork puller. oh yes, that's right. fun and exciting tales of the trip to the city await you. :)

i just downloaded the reading list for my comps. i am trying not to feel overwhelmed since i have another year (at least) before i need to sit for them. that's a hell of a reading list though!

i also need to knock out the language requirement. i have a choice between taking the course and getting a B+ or higher or learning on my own and sitting for the test. financially it would be so much better not to have to pay for yet another course and i did take a year of college french so i am thinking i may try and learn it on my own first. it's reading proficiency only so i don't need to perfect my french accent (which i of course have mastered from the knights in monty python's holy grail!)

suggestions? best way to learn french short of a vacation to france?

a phone call from my professor this weekend has given me a new burst of energy on my last project. i had stalled on this project due to some major personal nonsense. now i feel like i can do it. not only that, but i feel like i have someone on my side which was something that i was sorely lacking in this department so far.
i am still considering a different time period for my concentration, but for now i will just keep getting through until the requirements are fulfilled. i do have a sort-of, kind-of advisor at this point and that helps. i also have people who are asking me to consider their field and let's face it, a little ego stroking never hurts. i am going to have to set up a better schedule for writing so that i get more accomplished than i have been and so that what does get accomplished isn't drivel.

spent the afternoon with my sister and her girls. i don't have girls to shop for so it is always fun to do a little girly shopping.

off to fight back the laundry. i think it has already taken over in one room and is plotting to takeover bedroom. be afraid. be very afraid. either that or give up and buy more clothes!

just had a pleasant person on the phone to discuss my student loan (shocking, yes?) and we had a little chat about me still being a student. you know? a grad student? the kind with no income. that makes that repaying thing a bit tough. oh yeah, and then i had to do my best oliver twist:

"please sir, may i have some more?"

'cause you know, i need to run those debts up a wee bit higher before i am done.

at least she was very helpful and pleasant and it is all ironed out...for now. whew!

train delays, one wrong train, and a little bit of my lack of sense of direction combined to make me late to class.

there i was, lost, late, and stressed about the unfinished paper. class was shortened because of the field trip but i didn't see anyone handing in a paper. on our way to the theater i heard someone ask, "what about the papers? what should we do with those?"

oh no, i thought. here it comes. and then...

prof: just mail them to me by the 26th.

the 26th????? i am in procrastination heaven. i am in great shape to get this done on time now.

then we headed to the movie and out to dinner to discuss it. it was the first time that i felt like a part of the grad school. plus...the really good news...my teacher (who teaches in the time period i am considering) offered to do some advising and suggested that i may want to seriously consider working within that period and joining a reading group of faculty and grad students.

there was lots of ego stroking all around and pizza. what more could you want?

the paper will not be done on time.

the bright side is that i finally found what i needed. the downside is that there is no way i can process all this and revise the original in time. i have been working on it and hoping for the best, but it isn't going to happen.

so now, i suppose i go to class and see what happens. i don't expect an extension. it's fine. we are going to chalk this semester up to a "learning experience" in more ways than one. i am feeling a bit less overwhelmed even with this setback. before i was spinning my wheels, writing crap, feeling completely at a loss. now i at least feel like i have direction.

one bad grade will not kill me. (i keep trying to convince myself of this after my grade grubbing undergrad experience).

so i am off to the big city (to a completely different campus!) and i will just see what happens with trains, subways and tardy papers.

just watching the news and waiting...

seems that so far there is only a partial strike (buses) but no one knows what the rest of the day will bring.

i figure as soon as i get in there will be a full strike and i will be trudging 30 blocks each way in the rain so that i can a)arrive late for a class that i am still unprepared for and then b)finally get a train home only to find that sparky has fallen asleep and isn't picking me up from the station here. you know, here? where there aren't any cabs.

grrrr.

seems the vacation high has worn off thanks to the rainy, nasty, possible strike-filled morning.

because things are never easy i had to deal with a hold on my registration for classes this morning.

me: i was referred to this office about a registration hold
helpful asst: (after taking my info) there is a hold because we don't have your transcripts for *oddly named school*
me: well, that would be because i never attended *oddly named school*
helpful asst: oh.......

she fixed it and i hopped online to register only to find that while i could get a seat in the medieval course i was excited about, i couldn't schedule anything else for that day. hrumph. i can't commute in two days for two classes. it's a waste of time and money and a logistical nightmare while c is still in this school. next year that will change and i can schedule differently. but this year? nope.

so, plan b. ok, well, plan c. the other course i was looking into--an arthurian course--looked promising until a closer look at the course description lead me to believe that this prof and i would not be a good match. after all the disappointments this semester i am not setting myself up for that. i will listen to the little voices screaming "this isn't the class for you!!!" (what? you don't have little voices??)

everything worked out and i am registered for two classes that seem interesting, fulfill requirements and are scheduled on the same day. i am taking a course on swift and irish studies and a course on turn of the century literary studies. yup, a medievalist with no medieval courses--again**. but i am at least feeling a little excited about academics and that is a relief.

now if i could just get that paper revised i would be all set. locking myself in the library for a few hours tonight. that should help.

all i wanted from the second i realized it was an option was to go to grad school. my whole undergrad experience was geared towards what i needed to do to get into a good school. i knew that it would be more difficult, more focused and obviously more work. i was excited about doing research in a field of my chosing and no longer having to suffer through core courses.

so why do i not like it?

damn! i just realized that the paper i have until friday to revise (rewrite!) really needs to be done by tuesday morning.

for good reasons:
sunday - birthday party. yay!
tuesday - dave matthews concert. great seats and a fun night out with my college roommate from my first try at undergrad.
wed-thurs - trip to the poconos with the family to the indoor waterpark resort--a mini-christmas getaway. (i will not mention how distressed i am at the thought of a bathing suit in mid-december!)
friday - last class meets to see pride and prejudice in the city and discuss over dinner.

so....looks like i had better get moving. you know what that means? many procrastinating blog posts!

to all those who did their best snow dance, wore their lucky jammies, thought their best snow thoughts....thank you.

ALL SCHOOLS ARE CLOSED TODAY!!