and straight on 'til morning. That's the way to Neverland, right? No, not the scary ranch but the place where you don't have to grow up. Because right now I am having some difficulty with deciding what to do when I grow up.

I am not registered for classes yet. Here's what I do know. I am not going to Grad School where I was...this semester. I don't know much other than that. I still have two incompletes to tackle and my feeling is that if I can't get through them then maybe I am at the wrong place or choosing the wrong path...I just don't know.

It's not that it isn't a good school. It's a good school. It's a good program. I just don't seem to fit well there. To begin with it's a five hour round trip commute. Even when I am getting tons of support at home (and let's face it, that's not always the case) it just sucks up a whole day for even one class. That's difficult when I have two school age kids and one with special needs. Impossible? No. But when I am already feeling like I am floundering it doesn't help.

When I try and imagine what I want to do when I grow up I really don't waver. I am just tired of jumping through the damn hoops to get there. I am tired of looking at course offerings that don't excite me in the least only to register for classes with apathetic students. It isn't too difficult. It just isn't that engaging. Dreamworld, I guess. I thought I was going to be inspired and challenged and the only things that are challenged are my schedule and my finances.

I feel like a huge failure since I got just what I wanted, just what I had worked for and I hated it. Everyone keeps asking when I start this semester and I just ignore them.

So what now? Well, I am headed over to Undergrad campus to see if there are any jobs for someone with a BA in English and Music (labwork, tutoring, library, etc.) and to check into their program for a Masters in Education. Yeah, HS teaching. Not what I was aiming for but maybe it's something I can do. I need to be on the kids' schedules and I just don't know how else to do that.

I am really struggling with this and wake up every morning knowing that it is one day closer to class start and I will be left behind. I really don't know what to do. The debt is piling up and if I take time off I have to start paying back, you know, before I even have a job.

So, there it is. I suck as a grad student. Or at least it was a bad match. Now I just have to find out if it's grad school or just that grad school. Trouble is, until I finish those grades I can't do anything about it. Oh yeah, and I get my health insurance through the school so there goes that as well.

Just wallowing. Hopefully I will find out something useful from Undergrad school today.