ok, i didn't get into my first choice. i kept thinking that i would find out. that i would have good news. that surely the reason that it was taking so long couldn't be bad.

but you know what? it was. and i am left here wondering if i even know what the hell i am doing. all those schools said no. and while there is one left out, i am not holding out any hope.

yes, one said yes. and it's a good program. but it is going to be a 2 hour commute and there will be no financial package. so what the hell did i work for all this time? why did i struggle to raise two kids and go to school full-time and damn it, i am graduating with a 3.9, so what?

was it too much to think that i would get into a phd program and maybe not have to pay for everything? is it that outrageous an idea?

well apparently it is. and i have just lost any motivation i had to finish writing today. i just don't understand why i worked so hard in the first place.