is that the sun? i seem to remember what that felt like warming my face. i know everyone is always complaining about the weather, but seriously around here, one more day of wet, gray, soggy, dreariness and i was ready to find the nearest cliff.

little guy is awake and already glued to gamecube. oldest is sleeping in since we are doing another round of schools today. hubby has decided not to accompany me to this one. he continues to ask me if this is "ok." i keep saying "no, not really." he keeps asking. he isn't really asking. what he wants to know is "i am not going would you please make me feel better about it?" i can't do that. this has been trying and frightening and disheartening and i don't feel like going it alone.

when your kids are born, you are happy for all the pat little reasons that you always hear. ten fingers. ten toes. healthy, etc. but then as they grow up and you realize that they are different, that there is something that separates them from everyone else, you have to go through so many emotions. anger. disappointment. resentment. so now, when faced with what school to choose, i go to these places and see these other kids and somewhere in the back of my head i keep thinking that j isn't like that. that we are going to wake up one day and everything is going to be normal. that he is going to have friends and play and be happy and...well, just like the other kids. maybe it's just these meds, maybe it's just a phase, i'm sure this will be ok soon. but then the school will call again. and i have to pick him up early because he is hurting himself or has become so upset that no one can reach him any more.

so i look at these schools. and some of them seem quite good. one only has a total of 17 students and he would get riding lessons and piano lessons. but i have to sign off on him having what we always imagined to be a "normal" childhood school life. there will be no band, or sports, school plays, or concerts. maybe he would never have chosen those things. it's very possible, but we are going to be forced to make a decision that will eliminate some of those kinds of choices. i want him to be happy. this situation may be the closest he will get to that. i know he has his own dreams for his future and he is bright and talented and will be fine. but it is hard to let go of your own dreams sometimes.